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Chapters (75)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. About the Author
  4. Title Page
  5. Intoroduction
  6. ONE
  7. TWO
  8. THREE
  9. FOUR
  10. FIVE
  11. SIX
  12. SEVEN
  13. EITHT
  14. NINE
  15. TEN
  16. ELEVEN
  17. TWELVE
  18. THIRTEEN
  19. FOURTEEN
  20. FIFTEEN
  21. SIXTEEN
  22. SEVENTEEN
  23. EIGHTEEN
  24. NINETEEN
  25. TWENTY
  26. TWENTY-ONE
  27. TWENTY-TWO
  28. TWENTY-THREE
  29. TWENTY-FOUR
  30. TWENTY-FIVE
  31. TWENTY-SIX
  32. TWENTY-SEVEN
  33. TWENTY-EIGHT
  34. TWENTY-NINE
  35. THIRTY
  36. THIRTY-ONE
  37. THIRTY-TWO
  38. THIRTY-THREE
  39. THIRTY-FOUR
  40. THIRTY-FIVE
  41. THIRTY-SIX
  42. THIRTY-SEVEN
  43. THIRTY-EIGHT
  44. THIRTY-NINE
  45. FORTY
  46. FORTY-ONE
  47. FORTY-TWO
  48. FORTY-THREE
  49. FORTY-FOUR
  50. FORTY-FIVE
  51. FORTY-SIX
  52. FORTY-SEVEN
  53. FORTY-EIGHT
  54. FORTY-NINE
  55. FIFTY
  56. FIFTY-ONE
  57. FIFTY-TWO
  58. FIFTY-THREE
  59. FIFTY-FOUR
  60. FIFTY-FIVE
  61. FIFTY-SIX
  62. FIFTY-SEVEN
  63. FIFTY-EIGHT
  64. FIFTY-NINE
  65. SIXTY
  66. SIXTY-ONE
  67. SIXTY-TWO
  68. SIXTY-THREE
  69. SIXTY-FOUR
  70. SIXTY-FIVE
  71. SIXTY-SIX
  72. SIXTY-SEVEN
  73. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
  74. CLIMATE EMERGENCY
  75. Copyright

Nanna picks up the thread again. ‘It’s lucky you didn’t fall in with any of them, Josh. Lucky you were just on the outside of all of their lies, looking in. Standing on the tip of the iceberg. Very lucky indeed. We’re both so very sorry, your grandad and I, that we weren’t there to help you through it all. But we’re very glad that it’s behind you now, and that you’ve seen sense again.’

There’s a pause before Grandad speaks. ‘If you leave a place empty and uncared for, Josh, something will come in and fill it. In a garden so as inside your heart. And the seeds that blow in on the breeze are most often weeds. They’ll choke that space if you let them. It’s not fair, what happened to you, to your mum, to all of us. But we’re sorry we’ve not helped you care for that empty space that must be inside you. It’s good that you were able to tell your mum. Very mature of you to face up to the problem and to let her in. It can feel like a horrible secret, keeping something like that to yourself. You did well in telling her what was going on. And now we’re all here to help too.’ Another pause, then, ‘I know this is a hard time of the year, but your dad would be proud.’

My eyes are so full of tears I can barely see the table in front of me.

*

Mum and I come back from town that afternoon with several bags from different shops. The only way to manage it was to go through our short Christmas list item by item, single-mindedly tracking down each thing in turn, not minding or caring if we ended up going back to the same shop three or more times. We’d thought about splitting up, but that would have been even harder.

Despite Mum and I both saying that we didn’t want anything from each other, there are a few bags that she won’t let me look in. We were barely apart all afternoon, so I don’t know how she managed to sneak something into a basket without me noticing.

That said, I did manage to find five minutes on my own to buy her some perfume in the department store while she wandered into the women’s underwear section looking for ‘necessaries’. I’ve taken a risk and got her the one that Dad used to buy her each year. I’m not sure yet whether I’ll put it under the tree. I can’t stand her new one, the one she puts on to meet Mr Walters. She doesn’t smell like Mum.