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Back Going Under Save as PDF
Chapters (70)
  1. COVER PAGE
  2. ABOUT THE AUTHOR
  3. DEDICATION
  4. PROLOGUE
  5. PART I BIRTH
  6. ONE
  7. TWO
  8. THREE
  9. FOUR
  10. FIVE
  11. SIX
  12. SEVEN
  13. EIGHT
  14. NINE
  15. TEN
  16. ELEVEN
  17. TWELVE
  18. THIRTEEN
  19. FOURTEEN
  20. FIFTEEN
  21. PART II LIFE
  22. SIXTEEN
  23. SEVENTEEN
  24. EIGHTEEN
  25. NINETEEN
  26. TWENTY
  27. TWENTY-ONE
  28. TWENTY-TWO
  29. TWENTY-THREE
  30. TWENTY-FOUR
  31. TWENTY-FIVE
  32. TWENTY-SIX
  33. TWENTY-SEVEN
  34. TWENTY-EIGHT
  35. TWENTY-NINE
  36. THIRTY
  37. THIRTY-ONE
  38. THIRTY-TWO
  39. THIRTY-THREE
  40. THIRTY-FOUR
  41. PART III DEATH
  42. THIRTY-FIVE
  43. THIRTY-SIX
  44. THIRTY-SEVEN
  45. THIRTY-EIGHT
  46. THIRTY-NINE
  47. FORTY
  48. FORTY-ONE
  49. FORTY-TWO
  50. FORTY-THREE
  51. FORTY-FOUR
  52. FORTY-FIVE
  53. FORTY-SIX
  54. FORTY-SEVEN
  55. FORTY-EIGHT
  56. FORTY-NINE
  57. FIFTY
  58. FIFTY-ONE
  59. FIFTY-TWO
  60. FIFTY-THREE
  61. FIFTY-FOUR
  62. FIFTY-FIVE
  63. FIFTY-SIX
  64. FIFTY-SEVEN
  65. FIFTY-EIGHT
  66. FIFTY-NINE
  67. SIXTY
  68. EPILOGUE
  69. AUTHOR’S NOTE
  70. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

‘Why ask?’ the Joker says. He’s reclining in the only comfortable chair in the room. ‘Just tell Bird no.’

‘Katarina,’ the Smiling Assassin says slowly, as if I’m a child, ‘I know it’s hard for you as an intern to understand this, but I’ve noticed that your clinical judgement needs a lot of work.’

Behind her, the Joker nods.

‘Sometimes the things you’re doing just simply aren’t appropriate.’

By now other doctors have come into the room and are listening curiously to the conversation.

‘I don’t think this is inappropriate,’ I argue, my neck and cheeks getting hot.

‘But you clearly don’t know the difference between what is appropriate and what isn’t,’ the Smiling Assassin replies.

Tears have started to well in my eyes, but I will not back down. The Shark and Dr Waters and Dr Waters and Mr Waters, whose life I goddamn helped to save, stand silently behind me in my mind’s eye.

‘Listen, I’ve got one boss in this situation,’ I say. ‘And I’m going to do what he says. If he wants me to sort out the lung tap, that’s fine. To be perfectly frank, my main concern is to do the right thing by the patient, something neither of you seem particularly interested in.’

My insubordination is met with deafening silence. The Smiling Assassin’s smile falters. The Joker looks bored.

I leave the room in what I hope is a dignified manner then run down the stairs to the radiology department, blinking furiously.

Thankfully, I’ve developed quite a good relationship with Martin, the radiology registrar. He offers me a cup of tea and we sit in the darkroom together as he stares at an X-ray.

‘Look, being an intern is fucking shit,’ he says, kindly ignoring my bloodshot eyes and dripping nose. ‘There’re a lot of dickheads in this place, just don’t worry about it. I’ve gotten used to it. Some of the surgeons who come in here hassling me for scans, one minute they’re nice, next minute they’ve flicked the prick on. Only takes them half a fucking second.’

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For every arsehole in the hospital, there’s also someone who’s actually okay. Martin calls his boss, who agrees to perform the tap. The Shark finds out I’ve successfully organised the unorganisable and texts me directly, telling me I have it in me to be a surgeon. I like the way you just get things done, he writes.

Dr Waters and Dr Waters buy me a bottle of fancy champagne when Mr Waters is discharged home the following week. They write on the card: Thank you, Kitty, you’ve been brilliant.

Estelle, Winnie, Max and I drink the champagne on a Tuesday night in the backyard of 19 North Avenue.

‘Here’s to Mr Waters,’ I say, raising my glass.