I have consumed some alcohol but this is honestly the truth of how I am feeling, and I know that because I have been thinking these exact thoughts since before I was drunk so it’s sort of like a lucid dream in that way. You mean so much to me. Whenever I post anything you are one of three key people I look to see whether you have liked what I have posted. The other two are a famous comedian who follows me quite randomly (possibly mistakenly, but I’ll take it) and the editor of Italian Vogue who I met once on a press trip and followed me when we were both drunk and I was sitting next to her in a bar at midnight telling her to follow me. Anyway, you are my Number One because you are the most like me – you are my digital support animal. (Actually I’m not sure that’s PC any more. You are my digital support animal.) Anyway, sorry if I got too much, I didn’t mean to. I was just being appreciative.

I wonder, did you see that comment about my integrity underneath that column? That would put me off me. That DOES put me off me. Daily. Sometimes hourly.

Or was it the picture of the croissant? That was annoying, I know. I know now. But you never gave me the chance to redeem myself. I’m so much more idiosyncratic than that. I’m actually quite gothic beneath this modish veneer. I wish you’d given me the chance to show that side of myself to you. I can’t tell you how it feels to see that you have gone. It almost makes my online endeavours pointless. In fact, I might give up. I’m sure you wouldn’t like to think of someone abandoning their (online) life for you, would you? This betrayal has been so dislocating that I don’t even know where I end or begin any more, personal brand-wise. I thought you liked the cut of my jib. But how shall I cut my jib now? To be honest I just feel like slaughtering it. And maybe I will. Maybe I’ll slaughter my jib.

Consider yourself the murderer of my jib.

Sincerely,

Jenny McLaine

KNOCKKNOCK

At first I think it is my soul, pounding for release from its prison.

Then I wake up properly and hear it again.

KNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK

It is someone at the door.

My brain starts screaming instead. My brain! Blaaaarrggg. It is too big for my skull. It is coming out through my eyes. I need painkillers as a matter of urgency. I have a thirst a thousand crystal reservoirs could not slake. I also dropped my phone on my face while I was using it in bed and I think I have a black eye. Help me. Who is here to help?