‘’Sup, gingerest of whingers?’ I jump. It’s Mia. She’s wearing a dress that’s like a huge red arrow, pointing downwards. I put down my phone. ‘A word!’

‘Anything in particular?’

‘Something special!’

I pick up my phone and follow her into her office. Something special? Sounds ominous. This way, turkeys, it’s time for your special Christmas surprise! The main space falls silent around us. Fingers stop tapping keys. Eyeballs stop squeaking from side to side. I sense an imminent axe-fall.

Mia closes her office door. Simone is under the desk, chewing a toy shaped like an iPad.

‘So,’ Mia says. ‘Regrettably [truly, you’ve never seen someone demonstrate so little regret] I must inform you we’re having a maje redesign, and I’m afraid “Intense Modern Woman” isn’t going to make the cut for the new-look Foof.’

I stare at her. I think about my bank account, plummeting as it is into red below the red. I am probably going to debtors’ prison (does debtors’ prison still exist?). I am almost desperate. Scratch that: I’m desperate. I am Full Desperate.

‘Look,’ I say, ‘I know they’ve been a bit vanilla the past few weeks, but I can go full rum and raisin again if you’ll just give me one more chance. Just give me another month to turn this around and prove to you I have got what it takes.’

… to be your apprentice, Lord Sugar.

… to be on your team, will.i.am.

Mia shakes her head. ‘You can work out the week, but then it’s sayonara at the Monocle. We’re having leaving drinks for you! It’s all arranged.’

‘Oh Christ, please don’t publicise this,’ I say. ‘Give me that at least. Give me my dignity.’

‘Don’t be silly. People move on. Be empowered by this transition.’

I leave Mia’s office and go to a soundproofed booth for a cry. And a look at my phone. For a few hours. Well, what’s the point in anything else any more? I post a picture of my hand doing a thumbs up in the empty booth, with the caption:

GREAT TO GET SOME DOWNTIME IN A PEACEFUL SPOT BEFORE THE BLITZKRIEG OF THE DAY #BUSYBUSYBUSY #SENDCOFFEE

And then I put my head on the desk and cry until I am a veritable husk.

MISERABLE PHO

I meet Kelly in the Noodle Hovel for lunch. When she arrives I stand up and hug her. She stiffens slightly. She orders a beer and I order kombucha. We sit opposite each other and look at the food menu. I do not want any food.

‘What you need to understand is that I am under siege right now, Kelly,’ I say, quietly and emotionally. ‘I was blindsided in the street. I was not in control of my actions.’

She looks at me from under her fringe.

I add: ‘I also got fired today.’

‘What? How come?’