We sat on opposite sides of the taxi, going home. I looked out of the window, watching the rain dance off the low windowsills of the shops. Back at the house, I made us pints of orange squash, like always. Art went to his cellar. I would usually go down too, poke around, pester him, but something kept me upstairs. My phone, I suppose. I looked for advice on when to go to the hospital. That night we slept on opposite sides of the bed. I say slept. I didn’t sleep. I put on my eye-mask and even though I could hear Art breathing it felt as though there were miles of silence between us. At one point he farted. It sounded like whale song.

I got up at five, still bleeding. I said: ‘I want to go to the hospital now.’

He said: ‘Yes. I’ll help you.’

ART’S MOTHER SAID

‘Is Jenny not coming down?’

I heard her, from upstairs. She’d come round to see us, a few weeks before we broke up. I couldn’t muster up the energy or social grace to go down and make conversation. I was also punishing her as a way of punishing him, I see that now. The sins of the son. Something like that.

DRAFTS

Dear Barista,

I did not mean to shout HI! when you handed me my coffee this morning. I meant to say Thanks! like a normal person. I am sorry I made you jump. I am having a bit of a bad time at the mo – although even at the best of times I am not much of a Johnny-on-the-spot. Or a Jenny-on-the-spot, even. (My real name is Jenny, which also might come as a surprise to you because I know I’ve said ‘Suzy’ a few times in the past and that is what the cashier has written on my cup.)

You will never see me again, if that is any consolation.

Sincerely,

Jenny McLaine BA Hons.

FULL DESPERATE

What happened??? Sonny just told me you ran off. Did you have some kind of panic attack?

Art is seeing someone I know

So that makes you leave my son in the street?

My son?? Why are you being so motherly and judgmental about this?

Sorry what?

This is real heartbreak, Kelly. I saw them together.

I take photos of my coffee cup from various angles until it looks best. This courtesy phone isn’t going to win any awards for its camera, but its saving grace is that it isn’t at the bottom of the Thames. It was an interesting chat with the insurance company at the phone store. I said I’d been on a riverboat that unexpectedly swerved. Kelly takes a long time to reply – I watch the grey blobs rippling with promise – and then:

Want to meet at lunch?

Okay