‘how to seduce an alpha male’

‘is it possible to be truly loved by an alpha male when you are an alpha female’

‘alpha males throughout history’

I SAID

You are very sweet.

Cool. AF.

I’d waited until I knew his flight had left (he was off to Paris, an hour earlier). I was careful to use a full stop as he had done, and I realised I respected people far more when they punctuated properly. They were to be taken more seriously. He replied, from the air (imagine that!).

You have blown me away. All the way to Paris.

I didn’t reply. I boarded my flight. I drank a Grey Goose and Fever Tree tonic and felt thoroughly international.

When I landed, I had three more emails.

I just got back to my hotel room and expected you to be in my bed but you weren’t.

And:

I was standing on the Metro on the way home and thinking about how people are just bunches of cells, radiating off into smells and sounds.

And:

That thing you said to me about guilt really struck a chord. You are the wisest person I have met in forever.

Kelly said:

Jesus Christ. He talks in hyperbole – sure sign of a narcissist

Wait a minute, I talk in hyperbole!

Wellllll

I LOVE narcissists. They’re so … covetable

As soon as you reciprocate he’ll go quiet, trust me

But it was too late. I was coveting. I thought hard about his ‘smells and sounds’ remark. I tried for irreverent. And when you ‘try’ for irreverent …

I sent:

We are all just filthy little beasts underneath

Immediately after I’d pressed Send, I started to worry. We’d known each other all of five minutes. It felt too early to get away with the suggestion that I was unhygienic. We were still trying to impress each other with our arthouse knowledge, and here I was basically saying I stank like shit.

Argh!

He didn’t reply for a few minutes. He had gone off me. It was a despicable thing to write. And me, supposedly, a professional writer! What must he think of me? Oh god oh god. What if he thought I had some kind of bestial fetish? It was too much. I didn’t know what to do. I was panicking, panicking. It strikes me now how rapidly I changed. From cautious and in control to anxious wreck. How? Why? He’d got to me, this one. Aggggggggggraaaahhhhhhhgggggggggg. It’s almost as though there’s not room for romance in modern life, what with feminism, work, social commitments and anxiety.

Kelly wouldn’t help.

You could ask me how my day is going or how Sonny’s first sleepover went

I misread her irritation as envy.

It’s romantic! I protested. But she wouldn’t have that, even.

It’s not romance. It’s mania

Well you have basically stalked people, so