No, Art’s new girlfriend has a secret child

Like Mick Jagger???

Sort of

Dude. That burns

I am in bed and I am staying here until further notice. It is the only respectable thing to do

I am coming round

You don’t have to

I have ordered a cab

Will you bring alcohol and Camel Lights

Yes. Will bring a nice bottle of white I’ve got in

What country is it from?

Dunno. France mebs

I can’t drink it

Why?

Nothing French

Is this a Brexit thing?

No

You drank French wine the other night

I AM NOT DRINKING FRENCH SHIT GODDAMNIT

Okay I’ll get some fucking Chilean then!

I am going to smoke in bed I am that unmaternal

I am going to swing by the Scottish restaurant, would you like any supplies?

Filet o fish

Do they still do those

Yes

How many?

Three. One for each eye

My mother comes in. ‘The Kraken wakes!’ She sits down on the bed. ‘Are you getting up today?’

‘Negative. I am exploring my fertile void.’

‘Sounds messy. Will I need to change the sheets?’

‘A therapist once told me about it. It’s about the useful nothingness you have to go through occasionally in order to prepare for the next thing. It’s about stopping to reassess.’

‘It might be more useful if you took a break from your phone.’

‘Don’t turn off my life support! I know you would, given half the chance!’

‘Ach. Do you want a cup of hot chocolate?’

‘Maybe later. Nicolette is coming over. She’s swinging by the Scottish restaurant if you want anything.’

‘What is the Scottish restaurant?’

I look at her.

‘Do you mean McDonald’s?’

‘DO NOT SAY ITS NAME!’

‘I’ve had my smoothie and some melba toast. It’s 11 a.m.’

‘If you wanted something to do,’ I say, ‘you could have a whip-round on the cleaning front downstairs. That would be so helpful.’

She goes downstairs. I hear her sing a line of Madonna and I think maybe this time it isn’t to dispel the spirits but more to dispel her own anxiety. Imagine that. I hear the hoover start up. Then the hoover stops and I hear her walking to the front door and opening it.

‘Hello!’ says Nicolette’s voice. ‘I’m Jenny’s friend, Nicolette. It’s Carmen, isn’t it? We’ve never met but I’ve heard a world about you. I’ve come to get in bed.’

‘Let me guess,’ says my mother. ‘Leo.’

‘Yes! Oh my god!’

‘Are you spiritual?’

‘I am VERY spiritual. I love a ghost. I am always ghost-hunting.’

‘GET UP HERE, NICOLETTE.’

KELLY SAID

‘So he’s been lying all this time? You’ve been trying, like actually trying. You could have got actually pregnant!’

‘Yeah …’

I couldn’t. I just … couldn’t.

I said: ‘He says he’s talked it all through with his therapist and he’s sure.’