BooksBarbecue
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Chapters (106)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. PROLOGUE
  4. A FEW MONTHS EARLIER
  5. ART SAID
  6. I WALK
  7. THEY SAY
  8. IN THE WINGS
  9. THEY SAY
  10. I POST
  11. THEY SAY
  12. A WOMB OF ONE’S OWN
  13. THERAPY SESSION #1(DRAMATIC MONOLOGUE)
  14. LIKE OF DUTY
  15. PICTURE THE SCENE
  16. I SAID
  17. THE PATATAS BRAVAS
  18. KELLY HAD SAID
  19. SOBER SEXTS
  20. ABLUTIONS
  21. MY BATHROOM SAID
  22. TIPPING POINT
  23. MY MOTHER SAID
  24. I WAS EIGHTEEN
  25. ART SAID
  26. SOMEONE SAYS
  27. A REALLY BAD SIGN
  28. MIA SAYS
  29. I WALK
  30. KNOCKKNOCK
  31. ONE-LINERS
  32. I SAY
  33. THE OUTRAGE
  34. BABY ELEPHANT
  35. ART SAID
  36. MY MOTHER SAYS
  37. HOW I MET KELLY
  38. ART SAID
  39. ART SAID
  40. WHAT LASTS?
  41. BAD STAND-UP
  42. GHOSTESS WITH THE MOSTEST
  43. I WOKE UP LIKE THIS
  44. THE MIND CREATES THE ABYSS
  45. I ADORED
  46. ART SAID
  47. YOU
  48. TERMS OF ENDEARMENT
  49. IF
  50. ART’S MOTHER SAID
  51. FULL DESPERATE
  52. MISERABLE PHO
  53. BREATHING FOR ONE
  54. POPULAR PROBLEMS
  55. ON THE BUS
  56. TABS
  57. GRANMA SAID
  58. ALL MY CIRCUS, ALL MY MONKEYS
  59. BURNOUT
  60. THERAPY SESSION #2
  61. IN
  62. APP IDEA
  63. LOOK NO HANDS
  64. HI HI HI
  65. BACK AT HOME
  66. EXHIBITS A AND B
  67. GOOD FAMOUS PEOPLE
  68. MY MOTHER
  69. STILL
  70. LIFE
  71. WE’D GONE
  72. ‘FUNNY’
  73. OUTGROWN
  74. ART SAID
  75. BODIES OF WORK
  76. KELLY SAID
  77. FAKE NEWS
  78. GOOGLE ME
  79. SOCIAL CATERPILLAR
  80. REALLY THO
  81. DEALS WITH STRANGERS
  82. NEWS ITEM
  83. NICOLETTE SAYS
  84. HALF AN HOUR LATER
  85. ASS FIZZ
  86. THAT NIGHT
  87. IT HAPPENED TO HAPPEN
  88. #FROTHEH
  89. MY MOTHER SAYS
  90. THE HEART CROSSES IT
  91. MANCHILD
  92. WHO YA GONNA CALL
  93. NAKED AMBITION
  94. SOHO SQUARE
  95. CHIEF EMOTIONS
  96. SHE SAYS
  97. KELLY SAYS
  98. GENUINE QUESTION
  99. LIFE DRAWING
  100. RELAX
  101. WE LIE
  102. SILENT-ISH NIGHT
  103. THANKS
  104. About the Author
  105. ALSO BY EMMA JANE UNSWORTH
  106. About the Publisher

I look at my mother’s face as she sings, and I look at the way she looks over at Dan, and the way he looks back. She looks different – like a little girl but also like a person I have not seen before. I think, Okay, okay, now I get it.

My mother has found her people.

GENUINE QUESTION

Does the five-second rule apply for penises?

What?

You know like when you drop some food on the floor well what if a penis only goes in for five seconds

I’m not sure it reliably applies to food on the floor, Nicolette

You know I’m all for condoms but I think in your late thirties they are offensive – they’re either saying you’re diseased or a bad mother amirite

The dating’s going well then

Literally every man who contacts me online asks me whether I want kids within five minutes, and the other day someone asked me if I could send a straight-on photo as all the photos on my profile were ‘slightly angled’. I was like DO YOU NEED A PASSPORT PHOTO, ARE YOU SPAIN

I don’t think I’ll ever date again. I can’t even hold down a hobby rn

You should try a non-verbal activity

Not a bad idea

Although you do yoga

I try

You must be really good at yoga by now. I bet you can do handstands on your clit

I’m going to get you a non-verbal Christmas present – something arty

Intrigued

I know just the thing. I interviewed a painter the other day and she said she had come to accept self-loathing as part of her process. Isn’t that liberating?

Maybe. Right gotta go – time to give Kelly back my phone

What?

She’s rationing me. Two hours a day. She’s my Social Media Carer

Wise

She’s enjoying it because she is part sadist. If the receptionist thing doesn’t work out she could easily become a prison warden

Hi I just wanted to let you know Suzanne and I have agreed to tell each other everything about everyone we’ve ever had sex with and what it was like x x

Oh

It feels really healthy and open x x

Fascinating that you should want to inform me of this. At 1 a.m.

As a friend x x

I’m starting to think friends are worse than mothers.

LIFE DRAWING

Before the class I stand naked, post-shower, in front of the full-length mirror in my room. I look at my body, and I think, I can beat you again. I can love you again. You are mine to kill.