I lie in bed, staring at my phone and into the bowl of flies that has taken the place of my heart. With my other hand, I tweak my nipple hard. Nothing. I press the button of myself. Nope. I miss my body. I do. I miss it. Deeply and hard. The exchange between neuron and sensor. The inner interaction. I want to think with my body again. I miss that innocence. I am so sick of thinking with my brain. I tweak my nipple harder. Nothing.

I draft an email. And then I do a strange thing.

I send it.

SENT ITEMS

Dear Art,

Good to see you at the exhibition. I just wanted to say that I know my mother has been texting you and I’m terribly sorry that you have been subjected to that kind of onslaught. I had no idea that she had a problem, and I do think it is a problem that she has (one of many) and I hope it won’t affect our friendship or your opinion of me. I trust that we can move forward and you will not judge me on this. I don’t even know why I feel the need to apologise on her behalf because we are such drastically separate and different people, but I suppose I just wanted to acknowledge it like the adult I am. Lots of love to you and Suzy and her very real child.

Bests,

Jenny

I wait for him to reply. I flick through my apps and channels. Flick flick flick flick. I become increasingly irritated when junk emails come through. I didn’t sign up for any of this shit. Tooth-whitening. Budget-airline flight sales. Then one from a pizza company I ordered from once a few weeks ago in a fit of nocturnal starvation. Their winter offers.

I reply, incandescent.

SENT ITEMS

Dear Pizza the Action,

IT WAS ONE NIGHT. ONE NIGHT!!! THIS IS HARASSMENT. NEVER EMAIL ME AGAIN.

Regards,

Jenny McLaine BA Hons.

HALF AN HOUR LATER

Art replies.

Jenny – please don’t worry. I took it for what it was, an upset and lonely old lady not knowing where else to vent her frustrations. I also took your outburst at the exhibition for what it was – an upset and unstable person venting her frustrations the only place she could. Hope you are well and that you are getting the help you need x x

I stare at the message for a few minutes and try and work out all the ways in which it enrages me. When I think I have them all in my mind, I reply.

Hi Art,