‘I was just so impatient, and I didn’t really believe it could be.’

(This was only half true. I’d wanted to manage the potential shame myself. I’d decided that if it was negative, I just wouldn’t tell him.)

‘This is my thing now, too,’ Art said. ‘Scary!’

I wondered if he’d rest his hand proprietorially on my stomach or, anything else gruesome and cheesy like that. But no. We sat there, each holding a large Tetra Pak of juice, looking at each other, and the juice, and the room, alternately, incredulously – unsure whether to hug each other in celebration or whether that would be too self-congratulatory or inappropriate given the ambivalence of feelings (fear/joy, nervous/excited, panic/satisfaction). Personally, I was paralysed. It’s hard to do anything with a big carton of juice in your hand.

Months later, at the hospital, the nurses made me doubt myself all over again. There’s so little of the HCG hormone in your system, it’s really surprising that you were—

That I was ever actually pregnant? That’s what I wanted to say. But I was all out of chat that day.

Sometimes I think I just made it all up. It was part of my perfect personal brand at that point, curated by myself for myself. Put out there to make me like me. Or some twisted shit like that.

WHAT LASTS?

I said to Kelly, the night after Art moved out. We were in her kitchenette on the cocktails and coke – brains wired, hearts stretched and pinned. ‘What actually lasts, over time?’

‘Passion.’

‘Not sex?’

‘Not usually. But they can be connected.’

‘Art asked me to “milk” him a few weeks ago.’

‘What?’

‘Yes, I found it quite disturbing. Why would a man want to be milked?’

‘Maybe he was trying to spice things up.’

‘Bum steer.’

‘Well, that’s another option.’

‘Not for this cowgirl.’

Kelly speared a maraschino cherry with an acrylic nail. ‘Sex is a funny one. It always changes over time.’

‘Says who?’

‘My va-jay-jay.’

She’s no Schopenhauer, Kelly.

BAD STAND-UP

Hi where are you?

On my way home from work, why?

You were meant to meet us at the movies at 6 for Sonny’s bday

Oh shit, I’m so sorry. It’s been a tough week. Totally forgot. So sorry!

You were meant to bring the cake as well

So sorry! Like I said, tough week

It’s okay. Forget it. Just don’t say you can do it if you can’t do it. It’s really important that, with kids

Are you having some kind of go at me in that ‘as a mother’ way you do sometimes because we did talk about this

Just forget it, Jenny. Say hi to your mum. See ya.

GHOSTESS WITH THE MOSTEST