That was ONE TIME, I was at a festival and I was high, so it doesn’t count

Forgive me for just wanting some basic reassurance from a pal

Manic

Romantic

Romantic mania. You are in ROMANIA mate

Look, don’t shoot the messenger. Of The Truth

*Hermes has joined the chat*

Then Art sent back:

You’re adorable.

X

Adorable! Moi!

I sent Kelly:

All fine! He replied!

And I dashed off, to Art:

Well, if you say so, squire!

X

He didn’t reply to that.

Kelly sent:

Sweet

Whatever, Kelly.

Round I went again, on my spiral … Squire! Just the thought of the word made me feel nauseated. I hoped he didn’t think I was someone who was into reenactment societies, although he HAD said in Egypt that he liked antiquing, I reassured myself, so maybe he liked old-fashioned language, too … There was so much to ponder. So much to google. But there’s only so much you can glean from someone’s cousin’s Facebook page. If I could have found more on the Dark Web, I would have gone there. I would have gone anywhere. Even a Wetherspoons.

Looking at it critically, retrospectively, I was laying some kind of claim, I suppose. I thought I was adoring, but I was actually … well, invading. I was storming into his past and present desires. I’d never taken someone like that. I don’t know what came over me. Some kind of pioneering urge. Obsession seeks possession. Just ask my mother.

A whole day later, I sent a simple:

How’s it hanging?

X

Friendly! Breezy! Brief!

It was just a lovely friendly email from one lovely new friend to another.

And then …

He didn’t reply.

And then …

I started to worry that he would think I was referring to his penis. I was freshly distraught. How could I expect to be a creature of mystique whilst referring to someone’s penis as ‘it’? Oh god, that he might think that!

Then:

I’ve just bought a cocktail cabinet that’s too big for my flat. Mid-century modern. It means you have to come round for cocktails, Foxface.

My fingers were typing before my brain could even scream NO WAIT A MINUTE WHY THIS DETERMINATION TO PUT YOURSELF BACK INTO TORTUROUS PAIN, WHY NOT SAVOUR THE SWEET ABSENCE OF FEELING—

I can’t wait to see your cock

Tail cabinet

Oops sent too soon!

Well, I thought it was funny.

Everything.

In me.

Tensed.

Then, the blessed relief of a chime, a name, an I-see-you.

Hahahahahahahahahahhahaaaaa

I went all hot and happy inside.

Then he wrote:

I am going to destroy you.

You try keeping your pants intact when things hit that height. I replied:

Promises, promises.

No kisses. Just pure raw come-and-get-it. Oh yeah, mufux. The cracks. The verbal ping-pong. You’d never heard anything like it! They were publishable, our email exchanges. They were sublime.