“It’s always been you for me, Kinsley, and it’s one of my biggest regrets not telling you sooner. But I made a promise to look after you, to be there for you and I would like to believe every decision I have made has had your best intentions in mind.

He pauses, ruffling his wild mousey blonde locks, a nervous habit I had come to love.

“When I get back, because I am coming back, please just don’t let Tanner hit me.”

Jesse’s laughter echoes through the phone as he speaks and I don’t know whether to join him or cry harder, a muffled sob comes out instead.

“This isn’t some declaration of love where I come home and try to sweep you off your feet. I don’t want anything to change between us. I just — I just couldn’t walk into the unknown without telling you how I feel. Please don’t ever forget. It’s always been you.”

He pauses for a moment taking in a shaky breath, and naturally, without thinking. I mimic him. So many times he sat in front of me counting breaths, bringing me back from the brink.

“— the only reason you’ll be seeing this is if something does happen and in that case, please just breathe for me. Right now, Meadow, look at me — breathe. I don’t know what waits on the other side but whatever it is and wherever I end up, I will spend my entire existence searching for you. I will find you again.”

The video ends and Jesse’s phone falls from my grip; the blanket we are wrapped up in swallows it, as I let all my weight sink back into Tanner’s hold. He doesn’t speak and I’m thankful. I have no words, no emotions, nothing.

I’m just numb.

Chapter Forty-Nine

Tanner

Kinsley lays in my arms, her body pressed against mine. The steady rise and fall of her chest soothes an ache I’ve been feeling since I walked out on her. Closing my eyes, I let the emotional exhaustion take over.

“Tanner!” Harley calls from the cubby house we built at the top of the tree. I run towards the ladder but before I reach it, my body hits the ground.

“Damn shoelace!” Tears prick at my eyes but I refuse to let them fall. My father’s voice booms in my mind ‘tears show weakness Tanner and the weak don’t survive in this world’. I’ve been at Darcel House for almost two years, and I can still hear Dad’s firm voice as if he was standing there next to me. If only Mum’s laughter and her nighttime stories were as easy to recall.