To be able to get through this, I need to be strong. I would never be able to get through this by looking into eyes where I saw a reflection of the pain that I am trying so hard to bury. I take another breath, this one less shaky than the last, preparing myself to face this new reality. A reality that no longer includes what I considered my healthiest escape. A drug – one I have become addicted to.

The door downstairs opens abruptly and slams shut, I flinch at the sound. Feelings of hope and confusion stir within me causing my stomach to flip. Tanner left his key, I remind myself. Whoever it is, they are in a hurry. I can hear footsteps taking the stairs two at a time. I should be scared after all that has happened over the past few weeks, but fear is the one emotion I’m not feeling. If Lance Harding, George Watson or his goons are here, come and fucking get me; I’ve got nothing left to lose.

“Tanner?” I whisper, holding onto my last thread of hope. I don’t even open my eyes, they’re scrunched shut to hold back any tears that are trying to escape. All the reasoning and strength I had just instilled in myself shatters. If he was to wrap his arms around me now, I wouldn’t have the strength to push him away. Not again.

The bed dips and I’m being wrapped up into a hold I know all too well. The scent of freshly mowed grass and cinnamon intoxicates me.

“No,” I whimper. “No, no, no.”

All the emotions I have been suppressing since I woke up rise to the surface and the pep talk I gave myself fades away. I’m sobbing. I thrash and I kick. But he doesn’t let go. My breathing turns to gasping for air and a bead of sweat drips down the back of my neck; the feeling resembles a blade slicing my skin.

I haven’t had a panic attack for three months. Not since the day Tanner found me.

“Dammit, Meadow, breathe,” Jesse pleads.

“H—he knows,” I try to explain to Jesse.

“Shh,” he soothes. “I know.”

Once again, Jesse is here picking up my shattered pieces. This time it’s different though, I don’t know if Jesse will be able to put me back together, not without the missing piece. The one I just willingly gave away.

Chapter Thirty

Jesse

The sun beams brightly through the double doors that lead out onto Kinsley’s balcony. “Jesse,” she rasps, her throat dry from refusing to stay hydrated. “Close the curtains — please.”