She shrugged. ‘Maybe. Who the fuck knows? You never let me meet him. All I know is that you liked him so much that you invited him to my wedding and you have never, ever—’ She blinked, stunned, like she’d just figured something out. ‘God,’ she said, looking away. ‘You don’t even know.’

I frowned. ‘What?’

She pressed her lips together. ‘Nothing.’ Shook her head. ‘It doesn’t matter. You pushed him away, same as always.’

Something unfurled inside me, pushing into my throat. I forced it down.

‘You pushed me away. I’ve kept calling you, kept trying, but how many times have you called me in the past two years?’

‘It hasn’t been …’ I trailed off, suddenly confused. August. Matt was a Virgo. Two years, and I’d barely noticed. ‘I’m sorry, Leen.’

She clenched her jaw, looked away. ‘God. You’re my best friend, Cait.’ The way she said it made it sound like a weight, a burden she wished she could get rid of.

I swallowed.

‘You always will be. I know we don’t always agree and you think I’m basic.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘I probably am. But you were there for me when everything was so shit I thought I would never get over it. We’re family, and I love you.’ She took a breath, and her voice changed. ‘But I don’t know how to do this anymore.’

I felt my heart bend, break, crumble. Felt it all come up, spill over, all the pretending, all gone. And then just fear. ‘Leen …’

She sighed. ‘You need help, Caitlin. I want to help you, but I can’t, not if you won’t—’

I wanted to argue, to fight; to tell her she was wrong, to leave, that I was fine on my own and I’d go back to group and everything would be okay.

But I’d tried that. I’d tried being careful and it hadn’t worked.

‘Please, Cait,’ she said. ‘Please.’

I looked at her. She’d closed her eyes, and she seemed so young, suddenly, and much too tired. She looked completely lost. She couldn’t do it anymore and neither could I. I couldn’t lie anymore. The blackness that had chased me home nudged up against my spine, reminding me that it was still there, that it could still take me, if I let it. ‘I’m so scared, Leen,’ I said, my words tiny.

She nodded. ‘I know.’ She took my hand and pulled me closer, tightened her arms around me. My head fell against her shoulder. So heavy. So safe. ‘I know, Caitie.’

‘What’s wrong with me?’ I felt the heat behind my eyes. ‘Why am I like this?’

She didn’t answer.