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Back Lying Next to Me Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. TITLE PAGE
  2. COPYRIGHT
  3. DEDICATION
  4. CONTENTS
  5. START READING
  6. CHAPTER ONE
  7. CHAPTER TWO
  8. CHAPTER THREE
  9. CHAPTER FOUR
  10. CHAPTER FIVE
  11. CHAPTER SIX
  12. CHAPTER SEVEN
  13. CHAPTER EIGHT
  14. CHAPTER NINE
  15. CHAPTER TEN
  16. CHAPTER ELEVEN
  17. CHAPTER TWELVE
  18. CHAPTER THIRTEEN
  19. CHAPTER FOURTEEN
  20. CHAPTER FIFTEEN
  21. CHAPTER SIXTEEN
  22. CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
  23. CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
  24. CHAPTER NINETEEN
  25. CHAPTER TWENTY
  26. CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
  27. CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
  28. CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
  29. CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
  30. CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
  31. CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
  32. CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
  33. CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
  34. CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
  35. CHAPTER THIRTY
  36. CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
  37. CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
  38. CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
  39. CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
  40. CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
  41. CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
  42. CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
  43. CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
  44. CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
  45. CHAPTER FORTY
  46. CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
  47. CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
  48. CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
  49. CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
  50. CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
  51. CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
  52. CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN
  53. CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT
  54. CHAPTER FORTY-NINE
  55. CHAPTER FIFTY
  56. CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE
  57. CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO
  58. CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE
  59. CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR
  60. CHAPTER FIFTY-FIVE
  61. CHAPTER FIFTY-SIX
  62. CHAPTER FIFTY-SEVEN
  63. CHAPTER FIFTY-EIGHT
  64. CHAPTER FIFTY-NINE
  65. CHAPTER SIXTY
  66. CHAPTER SIXTY-ONE
  67. CHAPTER SIXTY-TWO
  68. CHAPTER SIXTY-THREE
  69. CHAPTER SIXTY-FOUR
  70. CHAPTER SIXTY-FIVE
  71. CHAPTER SIXTY-SIX
  72. CHAPTER SIXTY-SEVEN
  73. CHAPTER SIXTY-EIGHT
  74. CHAPTER SIXTY-NINE
  75. CHAPTER SEVENTY
  76. CHAPTER SEVENTY-ONE
  77. CHAPTER SEVENTY-TWO
  78. CHAPTER SEVENTY-THREE
  79. CHAPTER SEVENTY-FOUR
  80. CHAPTER SEVENTY-FIVE
  81. CHAPTER SEVENTY-SIX
  82. CHAPTER SEVENTY-SEVEN
  83. CHAPTER SEVENTY-EIGHT
  84. CHAPTER SEVENTY-NINE
  85. CHAPTER EIGHTY
  86. EPILOGUE
  87. ABOUT THE AUTHOR

That wand is far from magical. It has failed me time and time again. I don’t even want to glance at the little window that gives the response. It’s like the sun burning into your retinas, making you blind. I don’t dare look. It’s like a scene in a cheesy 3-D movie in which a spike or sword is aimed for your eye. You wince. You turn away. You don’t ever want to look at that again.

I’ve approached this quest from every angle. I’ve seen a psychic. I’ve pumped myself full of hormones. I’ve guzzled my way through more herbal tea than a taster at Stash. I’ve prayed to God so often that I don’t even believe in him anymore. I’m bereft. I’m miserable.

I am not a mother.

Maybe I never will be.

I think of the women on TV who have gone off the deep end, feigned their own pregnancies with pillows and padding, and befriended an expectant mother. I almost understand the craziness that takes them to the point where they will cut a baby from a stranger’s womb.

I don’t think I could go that far.

I have never seen a case in which the baby snatcher had a happy ending.

I’ve also watched the news reports of the occasional woman who goes after a child in the park, in the schoolyard, in the hospital nursery.

There’s a singular kind of desperation that links all of us who cannot conceive but think of nothing else. I wonder about us. What has made that message play over and over inside our heads? Is it biology? I want it to be that. I want the reason I sit on the toilet, hoping against hope, to be biological and not some kind of mental disorder.

I look down, finally. Tears come with the rage and disappointment that fill my bloodstream. I have never gotten the duo of parallel lines before, and I don’t get it today. Still, I’ve done everything that I’m supposed to do. I should give up. I really should. That’s the logical thing to do. I’m all about logic. In the courtroom. In every aspect of my being.

Except when it comes to this.

When it comes to this, I find that I cannot do anything but keep trying—trying until there is no hope.

A woman in China had a healthy baby boy at sixty-five.

I have decades to go.

A life sentence on my gulag toilet.

CHAPTER FIFTY-SIX

CHAPTER FIFTY-SIX

CONNOR