Lorelai is still silent. Don’t know what to do. I want to go and comfort her, but I don’t know how to do it or if I should do it. The only thing she wants is her daughter back.

“Jesus Christ, Livy,” Tom whispers, tears falling from his face to the paper shaking in his grasp. He continues to read, “Please understand that I’ve never gotten over this. Don’t waste your life trying to make things right. Grieve, cry, but this is the last day. Continue with life because I’m still there. As I’ve said to each one of you: With every smile, I’m closer to you. With every tear, I’m further away.”

Lorelai nods, listening carefully to the words, staring at the ceiling, hands tangled in her lap.

“When your heart beats, know that I’m there. With love, Olivia.”

We all burst out crying, each shake of our body bringing us closer together. Their sobs mix with mine, making us one. We share the pain with each touch, not making it feel better, but understanding it, flowing into it.

None of us speak, not until our eyes are red, our throats burn and the tears dry on our faces.

“I knew something was off with her,” Lorelai confesses, wiping her nose with a tissue. “I thought she liked a boy and was weird about it.”

Her mouth twitches and I can’t stop from saying, “It wasn’t your fault, Lorelai.”

She shakes her head. “But it was. I’m her mother. I should’ve known.”

“You were only giving her space and not many mothers can do that.” I hug her and she shudders in my embrace.

“I feel like I’ve failed her,” she admits.

“Not you,” I whisper. “The world has failed the smartest, funniest, and most beautiful girl. You raised her in the best way possible.”

I feel Elias touching my back, comforting me while I comfort his mother. His father hugs him and all four of us cry again before going out into the churchyard.

Seeing her lowered into the ground feels wrong. Like she’s being buried alive. This can’t be real. But it is, and the only thing I find comfort in is that someone I know waits for her up there.

“My grandma will take good care of her,” I whisper and Elias nods, kissing the top of my head, shaking with sobs.

CHAPTER FORTY ONE

INDIGO

I’m not ready to open my eyes or move my body.

I woke up an hour ago and I just can’t stop replaying everything. How selfish I was not to notice. How she hugged us like it was the last time. How she insisted on names for our future kids. We were all too blind to see it.

She must’ve felt so alone. Not talking to someone does that to you.