Know that every time you see a butterfly, it’s me saying ‘I love you’. When Avocado barks at the door and no one is there, just know it was me. With every beat of your heart, I’m right beside you.

You must believe me when I say there’s no easy way to do this. Say goodbye I mean. I know you’re all hurting, but would you believe me if I told you that I’m better off here? Please do. Don’t ever stop smiling. With every smile, I’m closer to you. With every tear, I’m further away.

Take care of Mom and Dad. Help them get through this. I know Indigo will help them too. They love her like their own child and they barely know her.

And remember what we spoke about? Yesterday? Yeah, kid’s names. Brother, I know you’re mad at me, but you can’t imagine how bad I’m going to haunt you if you don’t respect my wish.

I just hope I won’t catch you and Indigo… you know. I’ve erased that from my memory, and I don’t need a redo, thanks.

Please read the ‘For the world’ letter at my funeral. That will answer all your questions.

I love you, big bro. I’ll miss you and I know you’ll miss me too, but I’m begging you, don’t let that ruin your life. Make tree therapy a real thing, make Indigo happy, put a ring on her finger, and save me a chair at your wedding.

Livy x

CHAPTER FORTY

INDIGO

I hate funerals.

They only bring back black memories. Moments that no one should have to go through. It’s like an out-of-body experience. You see everyone, hear everyone, but you’re trapped inside. Numb.

Can’t even imagine how Elias is feeling. I once heard that sibling relationships are tangled in a way no other can be. He must be in so much pain.

His mom is silent. I guess that’s not good compared to how she was only a few days ago. She might’ve read her letter.

Elias has been pretty silent too. Smiling when he sees me wake up, but only for a second. After that, the smile disappears like he’s not allowed to feel any joy.

I feel that way too. There aren’t many reasons to smile, anyway. Just him.

We’re all in a private tiny room at the back of the chapel, with a couple of boxes of bottled water and three chairs. I’m the one standing up because it felt like the right thing to do. They’re suffering the most.

I’m not saying I’m not suffering — I can’t even feel my legs anymore — but I can stand and that’s enough.