‘I know, and I am into it,’ he says excitedly. ‘I want to make her my third wife. Could you have a word?’ he asks me. ‘Convince her it’s a good idea.’

I don’t want to be rude to a person I have only just met – even if he’s done nothing but offend me and those around me – but I can’t convince Ali it’s a good idea, because all I have is evidence to the contrary.

‘Sorry, it sounds like her mind is made up.’

‘I’d leave it, man,’ Freddie advises. It sounds as if he’s got the measure of Ali already. He knows she’ll chew this guy up and spit him back out again and again and again.

Marty itches the back of his head for a moment.

‘You want to stay here, finish playing your weird little game,’ Marty says. ‘Convince that girl to go on a date with me, I’ll let you finish your vacation in peace.’

Freddie and I look at each other. He doesn’t want to go home yet. I don’t want to bow out of the competition (I’m saying that because I am not prepared to even consider whether I am feeling as if I don’t want Freddie to go home either) …

‘Give me a minute,’ I tell him.

‘He-e-e-ey,’ I say, in my nicest ‘I need a favour’ voice.

‘Oh no, what?’ Ali replies. I’m sure her brow would be furrowed, if she could move it.

‘First of all, what was that thing you said in Italian earlier?’ I ask her, buttering her up. ‘Very impressive.’

‘Oh, I don’t know, it’s something dirty Max taught me,’ she replies. ‘Now, come on, out with it.’

‘You remember when we went out for lunch the other day, and you said you owed me one, after I went on that horrible double date with you?’

‘Yes,’ she replies. ‘Wait, no… you want me to go on a double date with him?’

Ali makes no effort to lower her voice to spare anyone’s feelings.

‘No, of course not. I want you to go on a solo date with him.’

‘I mean, I get that I owe you one, but obviously I’m not going to do that…’ She thinks for a moment. ‘Is there a reason you would want me to do that?’

‘He’s Freddie’s manager,’ I tell her quietly, hoping my calming tone will rub off on her and she’ll lower her voice too. ‘And he’s trying to make Freddie leave and go back to work, but we’ve got two more rounds of Mr & Mrs Valentine Island and I’ll be quids in if I win. I can use the money for the expensive hotel suite I paid for but haven’t actually been sleeping in…’

‘Because I’ve commandeered it,’ she says. She thinks for a moment. ‘Are you sure this isn’t you trying to hang onto Freddie for a few days longer? Because, if you like him, a few days isn’t going to make this any easier, when he goes…’