‘That is true to the best of my knowledge,’ Freddie says, choosing his words carefully.

‘Ali is grown enough and terrifying enough to take care of herself and make her own decisions,’ I say, also choosing my words carefully – she’d kill me, if she heard me say ‘old’. ‘Ask her if you like.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Yeah,’ I reply.

‘Okay,’ he says excitedly, taking a deep breath before heading over to talk to her. He approaches her as she’s checking out her reflection in the back of a spoon. I almost feel sorry for him.

‘Hey, princess,’ he says – take it from me, that’s a terrible start.

‘No,’ she replies right off the bat. ‘Not in a million years.’

‘What?’ he asks with an embarrassed laugh. ‘What do you mean?’

‘Me and you,’ she replies, tapping him on the nose with the spoon before putting it back down on the worktop. ‘Never going to happen.’

‘Why not?’

‘You’re not my type,’ she tells him firmly. ‘Your son is,’ she continues, pointing at Freddie.

Ouch.

‘Ay, come on,’ Marty insists. ‘What do you want from me? I’m a successful businessman, I got money, I can be charming, I’m Italian – we’re the most romantic people on the planet.’

Ali purses her lips, as though she’s thinking things over. She isn’t though – I can see the cogs turning in her head and the little glimmer you can always find in her eyes before she’s about to get creative with her rejections.

I latch onto one of Freddie’s arms, pre-emptively cringing.

‘This isn’t going to be nice for anyone,’ I tell him. ‘Nothing makes her angrier than someone who can’t take “no” for an answer.’

‘Let’s unpack those one at a time, shall we?’ she starts. ‘First up, your money is no good here, chief. You might be charming sometimes, but you’re not doing it right now. And finally, that “Ay, I’m Italian” line might work in the States, but you’re in Italy now. Mi fai impazzire.’

‘What does that mean?’ he asks her.

‘See what I mean?’ She ignores his question. ‘You’re just plain old American here, darling. So that old Mickey Blue Eyes routine isn’t going to work on me.’

‘I can make you famous,’ Marty says in a last-ditch attempt to turn this around. I imagine that line works for him sometimes – I suspect only in LA though, where everybody wants to be a star.

‘No way,’ Ali replies firmly. ‘Not falling for that one again. Not after all the time and money it took me to get the video taken down from that German website.’

Freddie stares at me, his eyes wide with curiosity.

‘Oh, God, don’t ask,’ I whisper to him. ‘Don’t ask and absolutely don’t ask to see it.’

Marty stares at Ali for a second. Stunned into silence, he just blinks for a moment. Finally, he retreats back over to where Freddie and I are standing.

‘I’m in love,’ he tells us.

‘What?’ I squeak in disbelief. ‘She just spoke to you like you were crap.’