You know I forgave you for Edgar but I don’t understand why you had to f*** that banger Derek two days later once again in my personal bed. To be honest Little Lamb it made me wonder if you were a hooker! That was Very Hurtful & when I started crying & you laughed & said I should beat Derek’s naked ass that was even More Hurtful bc it made me feel like I wasn’t a Man. Derek also shouldn’t have started salsa dancing on top of the bed with his d*** flopping around & shouldn’t have gone into the kitchen Totally Naked to eat my food but this Letter isn’t about that banger Derek it’s about You & Me.

My life has been So Difficult Little Lamb! Every time you complained about the bulldozer noise it reminded me how I’ve lost everything & pretty soon will probably lose the house. You said you’ve had Hard Times too. So why couldn’t our Hard Times bring us closer together? Instead you acted like it was a contest. I’d be like “They shut my water off” & you’d be like “Oh yeah well I have a UTI so shut up” & Little Lamb I’ve never had a girlfriend before but that’s not how they act in movies!

I know you said you’re not my Girlfriend & although I disagreed bc of the Highly Personal things I shared, maybe you were right bc why else would you f*** Butch in the backyard while I was making eggs & the very next day f*** Renny in the front yard while I was busy with diarrhea cramps? Imagine how ashamed you’d feel if Jody & Midget & Dag had come over that particular night. I bet you’d be Very Ashamed.

That is why I’m writing this Letter to Officially break up with you. I know you’re going to say Robbie I’ve Only Known You For About Six Weeks & I Told You A Hundred Times I’m Not Your Girlfriend but I know you only said that to keep your heart from being broken which I understand better than anyone. My heart’s broken so bad sometimes I cry all day which I know you hate & other times feel like I have no heart at all & also no lungs & no stomach & no spleen & I’m like the empty junk all over the lawn & after a while the emptiness fills up with Rage except at all the wrong times. For example not when you order me to beat up Derek but weird times like when I’m putting on a hemorrhoid pad or looking at a pretty sunset.

Little Lamb please don’t try to win me back with your wiles. Don’t come over looking Beautiful & Sexy & saying Caring things. I have had enough. I know you think Jody & Midget & Dag are using me but the one using me was you Little Lamb.