‘Is it heavy?’ I was out of bed, pulling sweats from a drawer, grabbing my keys and looking for my phone before I realized it was in my hand. ‘Do you need an ambulance?’

‘I…’ Suddenly she sounded terrified. ‘Rachel, I don’t know.’

‘Are you haemorrhaging?’

‘No. It’s like the start of a period. Not heavy. But it’s there.’

‘Okay. I’m coming to get you.’ Would an ambulance be better? I had no clue. But the only person I trusted to do this was me. ‘Be dressed, be ready to leave. I’ll be with you in twenty minutes.’

Lit by a streetlamp, she was outside her home, looking pale and scared. I put her in the passenger seat and then drove to the hospital. Trying to be gentle, I hustled her inside.

‘She’s sixteen weeks!’ I told the receptionist. ‘She’s bleeding.’

It was hard to not scream, See her now. Right away! Make this terrible thing stop!

Gratifyingly quickly, Helen was whisked off for a scan. Then my relief collapsed into horror—what if the baby’s heartbeat had stopped?

Immediately, I wanted Luke.

Breathing in for four and out for seven, I talked to Yara, begging her to make this be okay. In for four, out for seven. Telling myself that Helen would be fine. In for four, out for seven, in for four, out for seven. On and on and on.

It had been ages now, over an hour, was that a good thing? A terrible thing? In for four, out for seven. In for four, out for seven.

And here came a nurse. I leapt up.

‘She’s fine, baby’s fine. It was just spotting. It’s frightening, but it happens. She spoke to her partner, reassured him. We’ll keep her in overnight, just to be on the safe side, but she can go home in the morning.’

‘Can I stay with her?’

‘She needs to rest.’

I blurted, ‘Were there two heartbeats on the monitor?’

‘Yes.’

‘You’re sure?’

‘…Yes.’ Politely, ‘You need to leave now.’

No. I needed to keep watch. It was where I’d gone wrong with Yara.

You’re insane, I told myself.

I can’t help it, I replied.

Outside in the night, I got into my car, but it was impossible to leave. Not yet anyway. So I breathed in for four seconds and out for seven seconds, then I did it again, then again, and the moments ticked by, one by one by one.

Every so often a taxi passed. At some stage two women walked by, then a man on his own, but the city was quiet. Still breathing in for four and out for seven, I stayed awake, on guard. At some stage there was a noise that sounded like a bird chirping. I waited, listening hard. I heard it again. It was a bird. Above the rooftops, a muddy glow appeared in the sky.