BooksBarbecue
Back Again, Rachel
Chapters (98)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. Epigraph
  4. 1
  5. 2
  6. 3
  7. 4
  8. 5
  9. 6
  10. 7
  11. 8
  12. 9
  13. 10
  14. 11
  15. 12
  16. 13
  17. 14
  18. 15
  19. 16
  20. 17
  21. 18
  22. 19
  23. 20
  24. 21
  25. 22
  26. 23
  27. 24
  28. 25
  29. 26
  30. 27
  31. 28
  32. 29
  33. 30
  34. 31
  35. 32
  36. 33
  37. 34
  38. 35
  39. 36
  40. 37
  41. 38
  42. 39
  43. 40
  44. 41
  45. 42
  46. 43
  47. 44
  48. 45
  49. 46
  50. 47
  51. 48
  52. 49
  53. 50
  54. 51
  55. 52
  56. 53
  57. 54
  58. 55
  59. 56
  60. 57
  61. 58
  62. 59
  63. 60
  64. 61
  65. 62
  66. 63
  67. 64
  68. 65
  69. 66
  70. 67
  71. 68
  72. 69
  73. 70
  74. 71
  75. 72
  76. 73
  77. 74
  78. 75
  79. 76
  80. 77
  81. 78
  82. 79
  83. 80
  84. 81
  85. 82
  86. 83
  87. 84
  88. 85
  89. 86
  90. 87
  91. 88
  92. 89
  93. 90
  94. 91
  95. 92
  96. 93
  97. 94
  98. Acknowledgements

‘So? A night of mad sex with Costello? Draw a line under the whole business?’ She shrugged. ‘Could work. And remember, even though I’m woejus at both sympathy and empathy, I’m here for you.’

77

A night of lucid dreams followed: a vivid movie reel of pictures and sensations where I was pregnant with Yara. But she died. No, she was right here, under my hand, still in my body! She shifted, tumbling me onto my side and everything was all okay. Thank you, God. Suddenly I was giving birth, the pain worse than I remembered but it was what I deserved. I heard Luke crying—except it was actually Quin and, oh! Here was a full box of Ambien! Then Luke was gone and I was cold and alone. But a man was in bed with me…Quin? He must have let himself in with his key. Except this could actually be a dream? Clenching my muscles I discovered that a man was definitely with me and in my body and perhaps it wasn’t Quin, but Luke? That thought made my body obediently orgasm and I couldn’t keep doing this, not with Luke and—

I jolted awake, flung into the day on a surge of powerful emotions, to realize that Quin was trying to FaceTime.

Still trapped in my vivid, jumbled dreams, my body was shaking. Incapable of speaking to Quin, I watched my iPad until the noise stopped. Soon after, he sent a text. Now I’m worried. You coming to me tonight?

If I replied immediately he’d know I’d ignored his call. But it felt wrong to wait, say, half an hour, because that would mean we were in the realm of lies.

But Quin and I were already in a different place, he just didn’t know it yet. How had we moved so far off course, so quickly? Picking up my phone, I quickly clicked, I’ll be with you about 7. Got to drop headphones off to JJ first. x

*

After work I went to Margaret’s lovely, calm house, with the headphones. It had been a hard day, spent obsessing about Luke while feeling torn apart by guilt about Quin.

‘Are you okay?’ she asked. ‘Seeing Luke again? After…everything.’

A long time ago, she’d had two miscarriages, so she had some sense of what I’d lost.

‘I’m in bits.’ It was a huge relief to spill it out. ‘Last night, I dreamt I was still pregnant. It’s been a long time since that happened. And now…I fancy Luke. To put it mildly.’

‘That’s no surprise.’ Margaret paused. ‘Unless he’s aged very badly?’

I shook my head.

‘Isn’t it normal to want to reconnect in a physical way?’ she asked. ‘Like, you’re trying to pretend to yourself that you could have another baby?’