BooksBarbecue
Back Again, Rachel
Chapters (98)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. Epigraph
  4. 1
  5. 2
  6. 3
  7. 4
  8. 5
  9. 6
  10. 7
  11. 8
  12. 9
  13. 10
  14. 11
  15. 12
  16. 13
  17. 14
  18. 15
  19. 16
  20. 17
  21. 18
  22. 19
  23. 20
  24. 21
  25. 22
  26. 23
  27. 24
  28. 25
  29. 26
  30. 27
  31. 28
  32. 29
  33. 30
  34. 31
  35. 32
  36. 33
  37. 34
  38. 35
  39. 36
  40. 37
  41. 38
  42. 39
  43. 40
  44. 41
  45. 42
  46. 43
  47. 44
  48. 45
  49. 46
  50. 47
  51. 48
  52. 49
  53. 50
  54. 51
  55. 52
  56. 53
  57. 54
  58. 55
  59. 56
  60. 57
  61. 58
  62. 59
  63. 60
  64. 61
  65. 62
  66. 63
  67. 64
  68. 65
  69. 66
  70. 67
  71. 68
  72. 69
  73. 70
  74. 71
  75. 72
  76. 73
  77. 74
  78. 75
  79. 76
  80. 77
  81. 78
  82. 79
  83. 80
  84. 81
  85. 82
  86. 83
  87. 84
  88. 85
  89. 86
  90. 87
  91. 88
  92. 89
  93. 90
  94. 91
  95. 92
  96. 93
  97. 94
  98. Acknowledgements

Too exhausted to pretend, I said, ‘I feel as horrific as I felt back then. Like it’s just happened.’

‘Would you like a biscuit?’

‘No—’

‘Would you like a sleeping tablet?’

‘Wh-aat?’

She began rummaging through her fruit bowl. ‘There’s a load somewhere. For when we thought we’d have jet lag, but we didn’t. Here they are!’ She slung a small, familiar white box at me. ‘Take a couple of them with a glass of water, then get some sleep. Your old room has the bed made up. I’m going to get dressed.’

As soon as she left, I slid the card of pills from the box. With trembling hands, I began popping them through their tinfoil, then I turned towards the kitchen tap.

94

Being in my teenage bed made no difference, I still couldn’t sleep. I downloaded an audiobook about the battle of Waterloo because I thought it would be boring, but it was actually fascinating.

I’d just googled ‘extremely boring books’ when Nola rang.

‘People make fun of the word, but you’ve been “triggered”,’ she said. ‘Helen’s scare has brought it all back.’

She was right. And something else, I knew. After Yara’s loss, I hadn’t been taking those pills to sleep, I was taking them to escape. There was a difference—subtle but, for an addict, it was huge.

Because I felt it now. I wanted to sleep. But I also wanted blank nothingness. They were not the same.

At some stage Dad came in with a Danish pastry and four chocolate Kimberleys on a plate. He showed his love by offering sweet things. About an hour later Mum arrived. ‘I thought you’d be dead to the world,’ she declared. ‘Maybe the tablets were out of date? Come down and we’ll watch Escape to the Chateau, it’s hilarious.’

‘No, thanks.’

‘Do you mind if I do?’

Alone once again, I talked in my head with Yara, asking her to help me, to take away the fear, and if that wasn’t possible, to help me bear it.

Why don’t you call Luke?

But I couldn’t differentiate between Yara and me. Was this real advice? Or was I just telling myself what I wanted to hear?

Dad had returned. ‘Will you come down for Telly Bingo? We got you a card.’

‘Oh, Dad. Thank you, but…’

‘No bother. I’ll do yours for you but if you win, you can claim it.’

‘Thanks, Dad.’

You should ring Luke.

I, so badly, wanted to see him, to hear his voice. He was so kind. But it wasn’t even six in the morning in Denver, he’d probably be asleep. And if Kallie was there, I didn’t think I could cope.