BooksBarbecue
Back Again, Rachel
Chapters (98)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. Epigraph
  4. 1
  5. 2
  6. 3
  7. 4
  8. 5
  9. 6
  10. 7
  11. 8
  12. 9
  13. 10
  14. 11
  15. 12
  16. 13
  17. 14
  18. 15
  19. 16
  20. 17
  21. 18
  22. 19
  23. 20
  24. 21
  25. 22
  26. 23
  27. 24
  28. 25
  29. 26
  30. 27
  31. 28
  32. 29
  33. 30
  34. 31
  35. 32
  36. 33
  37. 34
  38. 35
  39. 36
  40. 37
  41. 38
  42. 39
  43. 40
  44. 41
  45. 42
  46. 43
  47. 44
  48. 45
  49. 46
  50. 47
  51. 48
  52. 49
  53. 50
  54. 51
  55. 52
  56. 53
  57. 54
  58. 55
  59. 56
  60. 57
  61. 58
  62. 59
  63. 60
  64. 61
  65. 62
  66. 63
  67. 64
  68. 65
  69. 66
  70. 67
  71. 68
  72. 69
  73. 70
  74. 71
  75. 72
  76. 73
  77. 74
  78. 75
  79. 76
  80. 77
  81. 78
  82. 79
  83. 80
  84. 81
  85. 82
  86. 83
  87. 84
  88. 85
  89. 86
  90. 87
  91. 88
  92. 89
  93. 90
  94. 91
  95. 92
  96. 93
  97. 94
  98. Acknowledgements

‘No one ever died from lack of sleep,’ Luke said, parroting Mia.

But those five nights had changed me. Now I knew the magic the pills could do, I was in thrall to their wonders.

Getting through the day was suddenly far harder than it had seemed before, because today there would be no cut-off point when I could swallow a little white tablet and all the pain would dissolve.

I couldn’t bear it. Not when I knew there was a solution. So I went back to Carlotta and flung myself on her mercy.

‘You told me I shouldn’t give you any more,’ she reminded me.

‘Yeah, I got it wrong. I didn’t understand how bad…how deep the damage is. I can’t stop asking myself what kind of mother sleeps through her baby dying?’

Her pupils flared with pity. Doubtfully she studied me. ‘Can I trust you to be sensible?’

‘You totally can. The last thing I want to do is relapse, things are bad enough.’

She exhaled. ‘Okay. I’ll give you a month’s script, renewable by three, to be taken if and only if you need them, mmmkay?’

‘Of course, of course.’ I was breathless with relief.

‘And you must start seeing a psychiatrist. You need more help than I can give you.’

I’d have agreed to anything, so long as I could get some sleep. ‘Who should I…Is there anyone you recommend?’

‘It’s better if you do the research. It works best if it’s a doctor you feel comfortable with. Perhaps someone experienced in addiction?’

I promised I’d sort it out, then left, gratefully clutching the prescription.

But this time I couldn’t tell Luke. He’d go crazy.

It was easy for him, he could drink whiskey, he had the option to self-medicate any way he liked. I needed to sleep, I’d go round the bend if I couldn’t and I was desperately grateful for the tablets. I knew I had no choice and I knew this was just temporary, until I’d done some healing. Luckily, I knew enough about addiction to know how to handle this.

54

I was woken by a dream about Yara and Luke. Quin’s bedroom was pitch-dark and already the details of the dream were dispersing, leaving just a watery sorrow. It was only 3.20 a.m., but there would be no going back to sleep, not for ages.

Quietly, I slid from the bed.

‘Y’okay?’ Quin mumbled.

I paused. Quin tried so hard to be kind about Yara but nothing he could say would make me feel okay. It was better to just leave him to sleep. ‘All fine, sweetie.’