BooksBarbecue
Back Again, Rachel
Chapters (98)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. Epigraph
  4. 1
  5. 2
  6. 3
  7. 4
  8. 5
  9. 6
  10. 7
  11. 8
  12. 9
  13. 10
  14. 11
  15. 12
  16. 13
  17. 14
  18. 15
  19. 16
  20. 17
  21. 18
  22. 19
  23. 20
  24. 21
  25. 22
  26. 23
  27. 24
  28. 25
  29. 26
  30. 27
  31. 28
  32. 29
  33. 30
  34. 31
  35. 32
  36. 33
  37. 34
  38. 35
  39. 36
  40. 37
  41. 38
  42. 39
  43. 40
  44. 41
  45. 42
  46. 43
  47. 44
  48. 45
  49. 46
  50. 47
  51. 48
  52. 49
  53. 50
  54. 51
  55. 52
  56. 53
  57. 54
  58. 55
  59. 56
  60. 57
  61. 58
  62. 59
  63. 60
  64. 61
  65. 62
  66. 63
  67. 64
  68. 65
  69. 66
  70. 67
  71. 68
  72. 69
  73. 70
  74. 71
  75. 72
  76. 73
  77. 74
  78. 75
  79. 76
  80. 77
  81. 78
  82. 79
  83. 80
  84. 81
  85. 82
  86. 83
  87. 84
  88. 85
  89. 86
  90. 87
  91. 88
  92. 89
  93. 90
  94. 91
  95. 92
  96. 93
  97. 94
  98. Acknowledgements

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what I wanted. All these long-buried feelings and memories breaking the surface was exhausting.

‘I’d find it very hard, walking into a house filled with your family. It would be…’ I blurted, ‘After everything, I’d find it humiliating.’

A pause. A sharp intake of breath. ‘If it’s any help, they all blame me. Everyone’s still very fond of you.’

WhatShouldIDo? WhatShouldIDo? ‘Do you want me there?’

‘It would make my life easier. I’d appreciate it, he’s driving me up the wall with this.’

‘Would Kallie mind?’

He paused for slightly too long. ‘Why would Kallie mind?’

Grand, be like that.

‘I’ll have a think. I’ll let you know.’

41

As soon as I hung up, I was flooded with memories. Of an evening, more than seven years ago, when Luke came in from work.

‘Guess what!’ I called.

‘What?’ His face flashed white with anxiety.

‘No, Ridey-Man, it’s good. Guess. Fucking. What!’

His eyes widened, then he crossed the room and took my hands in his. ‘Are you…?’ He swallowed hard. ‘Really?’

‘I’ve done four tests, they were all positive!’

‘Babe! This is…Are you sure? How do you know?’ He pulled his hands from mine, shaping them around my body. ‘Should you be…standing? Sit down, sit down, you need to sit.’

Just for the novelty, I let him steer me to the couch. I was a pregnant woman and my husband wanted me to sit!

‘Wow,’ he said. ‘It’s hard to believe it’s finally…’

It had taken a lot longer than envisioned when we’d been starting out. When we’d first gone to see Dr Solomon, I’d naively imagined we’d be parents by the age of thirty-four. But between studying, qualifying, then working two jobs each to pay back student loans, we discovered that somehow we were thirty-six.

The next logical step was to buy an apartment. I wasn’t so bothered but Luke said, ‘I don’t want to be still living in a tiny one-bed rental in the Lower East Side at the age of fifty.’ Engaging with the purveyors of New York real estate was a bruising experience and when we eventually bagged ourselves a two-bed in a brownstone in Boerum Hill, we were thirty-seven. (Also, exhausted and with our faith in human nature somewhat diminished.)

Then we were all set to commence our round-the-clock riding when, unexpectedly, Luke got an opportunity to buy his own accountancy practice, which would give more security than we’d ever dreamt of. But we needed a bank loan and by the time we were on top of the repayments, both of us were thirty-eight.

During those years of Waiting For The Right Time, I was mostly happy, often very happy. I loved being clean, I loved my husband, I loved my job, I had a busy, fulfilling life full of great people.