BooksBarbecue
Back Again, Rachel
Chapters (98)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. Epigraph
  4. 1
  5. 2
  6. 3
  7. 4
  8. 5
  9. 6
  10. 7
  11. 8
  12. 9
  13. 10
  14. 11
  15. 12
  16. 13
  17. 14
  18. 15
  19. 16
  20. 17
  21. 18
  22. 19
  23. 20
  24. 21
  25. 22
  26. 23
  27. 24
  28. 25
  29. 26
  30. 27
  31. 28
  32. 29
  33. 30
  34. 31
  35. 32
  36. 33
  37. 34
  38. 35
  39. 36
  40. 37
  41. 38
  42. 39
  43. 40
  44. 41
  45. 42
  46. 43
  47. 44
  48. 45
  49. 46
  50. 47
  51. 48
  52. 49
  53. 50
  54. 51
  55. 52
  56. 53
  57. 54
  58. 55
  59. 56
  60. 57
  61. 58
  62. 59
  63. 60
  64. 61
  65. 62
  66. 63
  67. 64
  68. 65
  69. 66
  70. 67
  71. 68
  72. 69
  73. 70
  74. 71
  75. 72
  76. 73
  77. 74
  78. 75
  79. 76
  80. 77
  81. 78
  82. 79
  83. 80
  84. 81
  85. 82
  86. 83
  87. 84
  88. 85
  89. 86
  90. 87
  91. 88
  92. 89
  93. 90
  94. 91
  95. 92
  96. 93
  97. 94
  98. Acknowledgements

But the wildness in my body made me feel vulnerable.

‘Rachel, stay with me,’ he repeated. ‘I love you, it’s all okay.’

I felt exposed and shy, but he held me tight, he held me so tight and all I had to do was take a breath, then the next breath, then the next. There were moments when the sensations in my body became almost too much to bear.

But I stayed.

26

‘Like, I wasn’t banging up every day,’ Chalkie said. ‘It was more in binges. I’d be clean for months—twice I nearly managed a whole year—but both times I started again just before I got my chip from NA. I think I thought I was cured. But guess what? I was still a junkie.’ He shot a veiled smile at me. ‘Sorry, Rachel, I mean addict.’ Then, with more animation, ‘Have you ever noticed middle-class kids are never “junkies”? Right? But poor fuckers, brought up in the flats—’

I cleared my throat. ‘Chalkie, stay on track…So you decided to get clean? Why?’

‘I dunno, really. There I was in some manky sitting room with three other heads, all of us on the nod, and I just knew I didn’t want to do it. Not any more. A new path to the waterfall, amirite?’

‘What was different about that day, Chalkie?’

He shrugged, his eyes burning blue. ‘Hard to say, Rachel. Nothing I can think of. Just, I was done. Other times would have made more sense. After Maarit died…’

Maarit had been the mother of Chalkie’s second child, a daughter, Vida. Maarit had struggled with addiction and about two years earlier had taken her own life.

‘When I stole Rixer’s bail money and stuck it in my arm…the shame of that will be with me till my dying day…But it wasn’t enough to make me stop. And then I just…decided.’

Even though we knew the outcome of this story, we were barely breathing.

‘Was it hope?’ Ella breathed.

He fixed her with his blue stare as he considered. ‘I dunno exactly if I’d call it hope. But I wondered if I tried a new way, if things would be different?’

‘If nothing changes, nothing changes,’ said Trassa—and received a number of startled looks.

‘What’s up with you?’ Dennis squeaked.

Trassa looked confused, as if she didn’t know she’d spoken.

‘I knew what I was facing…withdrawal, like, it’s no joke.’ Chalkie’s short laugh turned into a grimace. ‘ “Let this cup pass from my lips.” But I was doing it.’

‘It’s called “a moment of clarity”,’ Giles supplied. ‘Priya talked about it in a lecture.’

Giles was right. Usually a crisis was what shocked an addict into recovery—a job loss, a relationship breakdown, a brush with the law. Sometimes even the threat was enough.