BooksBarbecue
Back Again, Rachel
Chapters (98)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. Epigraph
  4. 1
  5. 2
  6. 3
  7. 4
  8. 5
  9. 6
  10. 7
  11. 8
  12. 9
  13. 10
  14. 11
  15. 12
  16. 13
  17. 14
  18. 15
  19. 16
  20. 17
  21. 18
  22. 19
  23. 20
  24. 21
  25. 22
  26. 23
  27. 24
  28. 25
  29. 26
  30. 27
  31. 28
  32. 29
  33. 30
  34. 31
  35. 32
  36. 33
  37. 34
  38. 35
  39. 36
  40. 37
  41. 38
  42. 39
  43. 40
  44. 41
  45. 42
  46. 43
  47. 44
  48. 45
  49. 46
  50. 47
  51. 48
  52. 49
  53. 50
  54. 51
  55. 52
  56. 53
  57. 54
  58. 55
  59. 56
  60. 57
  61. 58
  62. 59
  63. 60
  64. 61
  65. 62
  66. 63
  67. 64
  68. 65
  69. 66
  70. 67
  71. 68
  72. 69
  73. 70
  74. 71
  75. 72
  76. 73
  77. 74
  78. 75
  79. 76
  80. 77
  81. 78
  82. 79
  83. 80
  84. 81
  85. 82
  86. 83
  87. 84
  88. 85
  89. 86
  90. 87
  91. 88
  92. 89
  93. 90
  94. 91
  95. 92
  96. 93
  97. 94
  98. Acknowledgements

Automatically, I looked past Justin to the collection of Costellos who were gathered near the hearse. From his wheelchair, Mr Costello was watching us. He met my eyes, then lifted his hand in a friendly way. What the hell?

Go to the lunch.

I clenched my jaw. ‘Okay. We’ll come.’

‘Great. We’ll see you there.’

Clutching Kate’s arm, we scuttled back to the car. When we were far away enough that it was safe to speak, Kate asked, ‘Are we really going?’

‘No. I can’t go just to please Luke’s dad.’

‘You lied?’

‘Just being Irish. Justin would have kept at me until I agreed. It was easier to pretend.’

11

Ted took one look at me. ‘Go home.’

‘No. I’m fine.’ Well, I would be—diving into work always helped.

‘You don’t look fine,’ Murdo offered. ‘And where are your shoes?’

‘Boots, actually. I had to take them off before my legs erupted. Just need to change my clothes now, then I’m set.’

‘Rachel,’ Ted said. ‘Murdo can cover for—’

‘Ted.’ I fixed him with my most earnest gaze. ‘I’m fine. Thank you. And thank you, Murdo. Is my new arrival here? Yes? Okay, I need to find Priya.’

I ended the argument by walking away.

I’ll be okay, I told myself. I’ll be better than okay, I’ll actually be fine…won’t I?

Hard to say. Maaaaybe you should have gone to Justin’s house?

Sometimes the voice in my head could be irritatingly smug.

Twenty years ago, Nola became my sponsor on the condition that I ‘found a higher power’. I very much didn’t want to—giving up drugs was hard enough without having to be spiritual into the bargain.

Eventually though, a vague, gentle thing developed, where I had chats inside my head with something that wasn’t me. At the time, that was as specific as I could manage. But over the years the voice in my head had evolved and grown, developing an entire personality of its own. At times it could be borderline unbearable.

‘Rachel!’ And there was Priya.

In the front office, she brought me up to speed on Ella Black. Ella had kicked up about surrendering her phone for the duration of her stay—nothing unusual there. They all did—I’d have done it myself if I’d had a mobile back then.

Nor was it a surprise to hear that Ella had asked about yoga classes—nearly all the women admitted here were obsessed with exercise, thinking that the real benefit of rehab would be the chance to drop a dress size. Like, never mind learning the tools to overcome an addiction, what really got them excited was six uninterrupted weeks to get strong-not-skinny. (That had been me.)