I replied quickly – not because I had to, you understand, but because it got it out of the way and then it wouldn’t disturb my sleep for the rest of the night thinking about what to reply.

I have been looking at pictures of you too.

Jx

Which was a falsehood. I had been looking at pictures of his ex.

I texted Kelly:

I’ve found her online. Art’s ex. She’s a shoemaker called Eliza. Now I can no longer enjoy shoes or the BBC Pride and Prejudice box set. Great. Two major pleasures banished from my life.

A shoemaker?

See even seeing the word shoe is making me feel sick

So what? She’s his ex.

Do two big kisses mean the same as three small ones? Emotionally I mean. I want to look like I’m not too obviously reciprocating by being utterly repetitive, but I also don’t want to diminish the feeling

I think you’re overthinking it

WELL DEAR GOD FUCK YES QUITE INDEED. But do they?

Jenny, there is no way he will be paying such close attention to all this

Lucky him

It’s not luck

It’s unlucky to have my brain right now, I know that

You can conquer this. You can. I believe in you.

Can I send you a photo of his ex?

Negative

Just WhatsApped a screenshot. DISCUSS.

HOW MANY TIMES

Can I send you our last few emails to analyse the vibe?

This friendship is barely passing the Bechdel Test rn

He hasn’t replied to my last one!

When did you email him

Seven minutes ago!

COOL YOUR JETS, MCLAINE

Help me Obi-Wan, you’re my only hope

[…]

Jenny?

Jenny?

I’ve been thinking about our bodies and the way they fit together.

A.

He has just replied! A MOST EXCELLENT REPLY. All good xxx

Mate, you are so deep in Romania you can’t see the Romanian wood for the Romanian trees

Yeah xxxxx

Okay, well see you next time some chump ignores you for 8 minutes I guess

They were a pretty good fit from what I can remember.

J.

What are you thinking about?

I am thinking about my cock in your mouth.

Shit – sorry, I mean your cock in my mouth!

I don’t have a cock, obvs

Okay I really don’t want you thinking about the fact I might have a cock

Unless that is your thing? But I don’t think it is!

RRRAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHWWWW AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

What now

WHEN SEXTS GO BAD

Do I want to know?

Kelly, please, please, please, please, please can I send a few emails to you?

No no no no NO

It’s unethical

UNETHICAL? YOU TOOK COKE IN THE CRYPT OF ST PAUL’S CATHEDRAL

You bitch – we said we’d never speak of that again

QUID PRO QUO, CLARICE

SEND ME THE MAILS THEN YOU DICK

Thank you!

ABSOLUTE CHODE