She peers at the croissants. The person behind me in the queue comes forward for a look, too. The barista abandons the Gaggia and comes over. The cashier. They all look, and then they all stare at me.

‘It was a preference really,’ I whisper. ‘Please, just put any croissant in a bag.’

She puts the croissant in a paper bag. It hits the bottom with a ding. I press my card on the reader and will it to bleep. Bleep for Chrissakes, bleep fucking fuckbud fucker.

It bleeps. I pelt.

I run into the Ladies, sling the croissant in the bin and have a short cry. It’s fine, though. People cry in WerkHaus all the time. They have these little soundproofed booths near reception for private calls, but mostly people just use them for crying in.

When I’m done crying I take a piss. As I wipe, I check for blood, as always.

I look at my phone.

PASTRIES

The sentiment remains the same, even if the truth has turned out differently. And it’s the sentiment that counts.

PASTRIES

In a way, it’s perfect. Factual. But I’m still not 100 per cent. I recall something Suzy Brambles once said in her ‘Incontrovertible Gram Tips’. She said: ‘Go with your first draft.’

I change the words back to:

PASTRIES, WOO! #PASTRIES

Right. I feel almost ready to go on this. As a final check, I text Kelly.

Kelly is my oldest friend and most trusted social media editor.

Pls will you check one thing for me before I post

No no I said no more of this

Please

No, you’re driving me mad with this daily bombardment

It’s not every day!

Mate, it’s most days

Please I’m having the worst day already!!!! I was just served a defective pastry

No

I beg of you

I am not endorsing this behaviour

What behaviour???

This lunacy. I don’t think it’s healthy. Or authentic

Authentic???

You said that we ‘grew up together’ in a post the other day. We were 22 when we met

It made a better story! Anyway we almost did, in that we both grew up in the North!

WTF

Charlie Chaplin once lost a Charlie Chaplin lookalike competition

DOUBLE WTF

Well we inevitably put a filter on ourselves, don’t we? Even as honest people moving through society

Stop intellectualising your problem. Life is not a lookalike competition

Just sent you the post, pls review and feed back

FFS

She’ll read it. I know she will. She doesn’t do much while she’s waiting for her receptionist shift to start – other than watching blackhead-removal videos, which I think somehow give her a sense of universal equilibrium being restored.

She replies after a few seconds:

It’s fine. Really don’t know what you were concerned about

Thank you x