‘What does he do now?’

‘Watches porn on his phone.’

‘WHAT?’

‘I don’t know. Sorry, I think that was just my worst fear that came out of my mouth.’

My mother pours herself another gin.

‘I’ll join you,’ says Kelly.

‘Single or double?’

‘Single. And then I can have one more, and that’s it. I’ve realised that I’ve spent my whole life chasing the two-drink high.’

‘Two drinks?’ my mother says. ‘Dear god. That’s when I just start feeling good.’

‘What have you been up to in London, Carmen?’ Kelly asks.

‘Oh, I did a bit of a course. A few other little things. I’d love to get back into acting while I’ve still got my looks. And I’ve started online dating.’

‘What?’ I say. ‘We agreed to discuss this.’

‘No we didn’t,’ says my mother. ‘I am a grown woman. I’ve been chatting to a few nice men on there.’

‘They’re all at least ten years older than they say. Just so you know.’

‘One of them was helping his mother lay a patio, so he can’t be that old.’

‘Is that his dating chat? Laying a patio? Jesus.’

‘Come on, then,’ Kelly says. ‘Show us some of these fellas.’

My mother gets her profile up. We crowd around her phone. She clicks open her matches.

Dino, 66 – I try to be the change I want to see in the world. I am my own future. I know who I am and what I like. I support equality and became aware of my genital privilege decades ago.

Wimpywilly, 51 – Looking for someone who would enjoy making fun of a guy with a small one. Someone who would enjoy making me feel even less of a man than I do already. More than happy to try n make up for my size with my tongue x

‘Saints alive!’ I say.

Kelly is on the floor, laughing.

‘You’re crazed!’ I say. ‘You have to promise me you’ll never meet any of them. These men are clearly psychopaths of the most dangerous order.’

‘There’s someone else,’ my mother says. ‘But he’s not on a dating app. He’s on Twitter. We just got chatting on there because I signed up to his mailshots.’

I do not like the idea of my mother signing up for someone’s ‘mailshots’.

‘He’s a lifestyle guru,’ my mother continues. ‘I’m interested in what he’s doing. I think he has some good advice. I respect his output and his utils.’

‘His what and his what?’

She gets him up.

Dan Mosel

Life guru. CEO of Becoming Who You Are. Daily #LifeTips

‘What do you think?’

‘I think he looks like a man unmolested by the rumblings of a soul,’ I say.

‘You’re harsh, Jenny.’

‘He has two hundred thousand followers on Twitter. That should impress even you.’