‘We need to get back to the sensorium. I get PLENTY of abuse on these supposedly “clean” dating sites. Men rating me on my boobs, my hair, my teeth. They say way more suggestive things than that. I’d like to do this to you. I’d like to do that to you. Let me buy you dominatrix shoes for your ugly feet. Send me your oldest shoe and I’ll Paypal you a hundred dollars. Would they say those things to my face? Some of them would, for sure, but not as many of them.’

‘Tell me more about these dating apps,’ says my mother.

‘I’m on about six,’ says Nicolette. ‘I can send you the details if you give me your number.’

‘Mum, I really don’t think you should go on dating sites. Someone your age will get eaten alive.’

‘I’m not going to sign up for anything!’

Nicolette hands her phone to my mother and my mother taps her number in with a long blue nail. She hands it back. Seconds later, my mother’s phone pings with messages.

‘Just be careful though with those, Mum,’ I say. ‘Don’t agree to meet anyone without running them by me first.’

‘I’m just looking for friendship,’ my mother says.

‘Ah yes but that’s what they lure you in with,’ says Nicolette. ‘Watch the friendship thing. They sneak up on you. They’re like, My closest friends are women! You’re in your comfort zone, you’re in your comfort zone, you’re in your comfort zone … TAKE YOUR TOP OFF. Be vigilant, Carmen.’

‘You’re forgetting who you’re talking to.’

I locate my phone under the covers.

‘Are you signing up?’ says Nicolette. ‘If you do I might not delete them just yet.’

‘No,’ I say, ‘I just want to leave a comment on Art’s exhibition posts to say I had a good time and am proud of him. Hoorah for you. All that shit.’

‘NO!’ say my mother and Nicolette. Nicolette sprays gin on my arm.

‘I also want to say NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN.’

‘NO!’ they shout again. Another boozy hosing from Nicolette.

‘You’ll regret it!’ adds Nicolette.

‘It won’t achieve anything!’ says my mother.

‘It will make me feel something, which is an achievement. And I regret EVERYTHING, so what makes this worth avoiding, unless I’m going to start avoiding everything?’

‘NO.’

‘At least let me unfollow Suzy Brambles.’

‘No! Stop being so aggressive. This is a peaceful protest.’

‘It will symbolise my detachment from the situation.’

‘UNFOLLOW HER IN YOUR HEART, JENNY,’ says Nicolette. ‘That should be enough.’

‘It’s all too raw,’ says my mother. ‘You need to trust yourself.’

‘I don’t know who to trust because I don’t know who I am. At thirty-five years old, at halfway, I am still waiting for my life to start.’