Jesse nudges Sophie once the movie finishes. She’s fallen asleep — again. This is the second movie night we have had together,both times she has fallen asleep before the movie even gets half-way through. She is a bundle of energy but when she stops, she crashes.

“Wake up, Shorty. Let’s get you home.”

I watch their interaction with mixed feelings, more so curiosity than anything else. Even though I’m happily tucked up under Tanner’s arm, it’s still a strange feeling seeing Jesse with someone. She smiles sleepily at him, stretching as she rouses. She mumbles something and he laughs, offering his hand to her to help her up.

“Thanks for the pizza, Jess,” I yawn.

Jesse gives Tanner’s shoulder a squeeze and ruffles my hair as he rounds the couch. The couch which, mind you, stretches the length of the room. Tanner’s place is at least twice the size of mine; the theatre room alone is bigger than my kitchen and dining combined.

Sophie’s eyes find mine; she smiles and mouths ‘love you’ as they leave. I never thought I could form such a close bond with someone in such a short amount of time, but this girl right here, she’s family now.

We all are in a way, the four of us. I won’t deny that I can still feel tension in the air occasionally from Tanner towards Jesse, but I always make an effort to bring it up with him and ask if there was anything that may have made him feel uncomfortable. He really has nothing to worry about.

Sure, Jesse is my constant; my person, my voice of reason. But Tanner, he is my guiding light. He keeps me out of the darkness. When I have him near, my mind is above the mess in my subconscious. If only I could share that with him, I can’t though. Not yet. Not until I’ve buried all the ghosts of my past. Not when they’re still out there, ready to start haunting me. It’s not an if, but a when, and something tells me that day is coming.

Tanner takes the pizza boxes to the kitchen and I busy myself folding the throw blankets and placing them on the chaise of the couch. Even though I refuse to bare my heart to him until I am ready to go all in, I try to show him in every way possible what I’m too afraid to say. I hope he knows, I hope he can see me.