After I went for a run with Lou-loo this morning, I went home and set up my own little investigation in the spare room. Normally I sprawl everything out upstairs, across my bed, the floor, you name it. But since Tanner has started spending more time at the apartment it’s too risky to have it out in the open. I don’t want him walking in during one of my deep-dive moments; he would probably think I’m crazy.

There is a reason I am keeping my past private. Sure, if he dug deep enough he would find the odd news article about my father’s disappearance, brother’s death and mother’s suicide; my name would be mentioned somewhere. But I choose to keep the secrets of my past away from those in my present, because everyone I loved was taken away from me. Jesse is the only one left standing. I live in fear that even my time with him will run out. Every single day I drown in the fear of the past repeating itself.

Maybe if I knew the truth of what happened to my dad and my brother, it would give me enough closure to live without this constant state of fear, but I’m no closer to finding those answers than I was twelve years ago.

When Jesse and I made the decision to move away from Greenwood we were going to get a place together, but I decided I needed to keep him at a safe distance. I made up some crap about independence and wanting to live in the CBD and I guess he bought it because he didn’t push the point. The reality of those lies is that I would rather keep him at arm’s reach, than lose him completely.

When I finally lock up the bar and say goodbye to tonight’s staff, I pour myself a drink and sit down in the office knowing that my taxi is twenty minutes away. I’m lost in thought about doing next week’s rosters when my eyes dart in the direction of the door, the sound of glass shattering causes my skin to prickle as it echoes down the hall and into my office.

I freeze in my chair, goosebumps spreading across my whole body and my heart begins to beat faster than ever before. All I can do is stare straight ahead at my open office door as the shattering continues. Smash, smash, smash.

Think, Kinsley! What a time it would be for my fight or flight to kick in, but no, I freeze instead.

Finally my body catches up with my head, my legs responding as I stand. I need something, anything. Scanning the office, I realise I have absolutely nothing in here to protect myself. Not even an umbrella. When did people stop carrying umbrellas?

Smash, smash, smash.

Fucking think, Kinsley. Fast.

Smash.