I can’t hold it in any longer, I try to speak but the lump in my throat catches; my emotions begin to bubble over and a sob is all that comes out. Taking a shuddering breath, I try to go on, I need to tell him; he needs to know this. “H-how can you expect me to go on? How —” I feel Tanner come to stand beside me. I turn into him, burying my face into his chest, the tears flow freely now and my voice is barely a whisper, “I can’t.” Wrapping me in his hold, Tanner moves us to the side so that the officiant may take over; reading a verse we chose before To Be Loved — Tones & I plays.

As the coffin begins to lower to the ground, Lou-loo steps forward sniffing the air; she is looking for him. She knows something is wrong but she doesn’t understand why he hasn’t come home. Lowering myself, I wrap my arms around her neck and bury my head into her fur as she begins to whine. “It will be okay Lou, I have you now.”

* * *

“The four of us will follow you back home.” I squeeze Marie’s hand as we walk towards the car park. Lou nudges my leg, her big brown eyes trying to tell me something. “What is it, girl?” I tilt my head, mimicking her. She looks at Marie and barks once. “You want to go with Marie?” I ask and Lou-loo barks again.

“I think she wants to ride with us,” Louise pipes up from a few steps behind.

“Go on then,” I say, opening the back door of Marie’s car, Lou-loo jumps in. “Be good; we will be right behind you.” I give her a scratch under her chin and close the door.

Tanner guides me towards the car, his large hand warm against the small of my back. Sophie is there waiting for us, her sleek black hair and black clothing give off Addams Family vibes. The thought has my lips turning up at the sides, she elbows me in the ribs. “Hey!” I protest. “What was that for?”

“You gave me a look,” she shrugs, batting her eyelids at me.

“Get in the goddamn car,” Tanner laughs, opening the back door and ushering us both in; we both may have had one too many glasses of wine during the wake. Dad climbs into the passenger seat and Tanner starts the engine.

It’s not long before we are walking up the steps and into the comforting feeling of home. Showing the others into the living area, I flick on the kettle to make a pot of tea. The cupboard in the top right hand corner of the kitchen catches my eye; it was the alcohol cupboard when we were kids. I glance over my shoulder, probably out of habit, before pulling it open.