We pull into the cemetery car park, the gravel crunches underneath the tyres and Jesse drums his fingers on the steering wheel … Well at least it’s a nice day. Jesse grabs the esky and the flowers before we walk over to where my brother, my mother and my father are buried. The contents of my stomach churn at the sight of my family laid out in front of me. I fight back the tears threatening to fall, and Jesse squeezes my shoulders. He places the flowers down in front of Kyle’s headstone and I grab out three beers.

Looking up I pass him two of them. “One for Kyle too,” I say and Jesse nods. He places one down next to the flowers and cracks the other open. I follow suit, even though it can’t be later than about 11am. My phone is still turned off and I can’t bring myself to ask Jesse what the time is. Like it matters what time it is anyway.

Pressing the sharp edges of the beer cap into my thumb, the pain begins to ground me. I’m standing here on the twelve-year anniversary of my brother’s death, on my birthday. I almost laugh, it sounds just as far-fetched as it feels. I guess I can drink a beer if I want to.

A big oak tree shades over this part of the cemetery, its branches resembling arms stretched out wide to welcome everyone in. Jesse walks over and slides down against the trunk of the tree. I follow and sit down between his legs, resting my head back against his chest. We sit silently for a while before it hits me. I’ve lived longer without my brother than I got to live with him. My chest tightens as my mind begins to spiral with all the things Kyle has missed out on.

His first serious girlfriend.

Graduating from school.

Marriage.

I wonder what he would be doing with his life right now?

I shuffle around slightly. “He never even got to drink a beer.” Jesse’s eyes sparkle and a laugh comes from deep in his belly.

“Okay, spill!” I gasp, spinning completely around to face him front on. “How do you still have stories that I haven’t heard? Even after all these years.”

Jesse rests his head back against the tree, closing his eyes. “It was our tenth birthday. Do you remember it? We had a joint party.” He opens one eye to look at me briefly before closing it again. “Anyway, all our friends had gone home, you were already in bed and our parents were having a few drinks around the fire. We came up with a plan that I would distract the grown-ups so Kyle could crawl over to the esky and pinch a beer for us to share.”

“How did you distract them?”