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Chapters (65)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise for the previous work of
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. 24 April 2018
  6. Part 1: Subject
  7. 15 June 1968
  8. 20 June 1968
  9. July 1968
  10. 2 February 2018
  11. Part 2: Light
  12. 20 November 1970
  13. 20 November 1970
  14. 21 November 1970
  15. November 1970
  16. 19 February 2018
  17. Part 3: Focus
  18. 15 April 1977
  19. 18 April 1977
  20. 15 May 1977
  21. July 1977
  22. 26 February 2018
  23. 8 March 2018
  24. 8 March 2018
  25. Part 4: Distance
  26. 15 May 1979
  27. 15 May 1979
  28. 16 May 1979
  29. June 1979
  30. 29 March 2018
  31. 29 March 2018
  32. 27 March 2018
  33. Part 5: Movement
  34. 18 October 1981
  35. 10 April 2018
  36. 18 October 1981
  37. 10 April 2018
  38. 18 October 1981
  39. 10 April 2018
  40. 18 October 1981
  41. 10 April 2018
  42. 10 April 2018
  43. 18 October 1981
  44. 10 April 2018
  45. October 1981
  46. Part 6: Exposure
  47. July 1984
  48. 5 September 1984
  49. 24 April 2018
  50. 25 April 2018
  51. Part 7: Developing
  52. 26 April 2018
  53. Vee, in the lost place, 1984
  54. 26 April 2018
  55. Epilogue
  56. 5 February 2019
  57. Author’s Note
  58. Acknowledgements
  59. Letter from Author
  60. Stephanie Butland’s Readers’ Club
  61. For your Reading Group
  62. For discussion
  63. Select bibliography
  64. About the author
  65. Also by Stephanie Butland

Leonie makes a sound, something like a hiss, ‘I’m not successful? By whose standards?’

Vee forces herself not to look away. ‘I mean you’ve retreated, because you haven’t got what you want. You should keep saying what you’re saying, and I think we need someone like you. But you seem to be giving up. On your book—’

‘I’m not giving up on that,’ but even the way she says it is half-hearted. ‘It’s just that every fucking idea I have, someone beats me to it. Germaine, so bloody cutting that people say she’s witty, she screwed my chances of getting the first one published, even though it was about so much more than sex. Now Orbach, diet book for pleasing yourself instead of the patriarchy, but she still wants us all to be thin. So nobody wants a feminist book on women’s bodies or sexuality now because Germaine and Susie have written theirs. Like they are the only ones we need. Because, one woman’s voice, or two, and we’re done. One woman Secretary of State at a time, one newspaper editor, a couple of QCs. Well done, feminism.’

Vee thinks of the shelf of books they have, written by their sisters, talking about women and their lives in essays, polemics, poems and prose. She decides against mentioning them. She needs to leave soon. ‘The column – you’re a voice, Leonie. You should be proud of that.’

‘Yeah. You of all people know that what I always wanted to be was the acceptable voice of feminism. Come on, Vee. I deserve better.’

They usually have this argument drunk, jokingly. Now, in the sober late-afternoon light, it feels different. Vee wants nothing more than to smile, apologise, and have them settle in to their happy old roles of mentor and student. But those days have gone, and anyway, Vee deserves better too. ‘You’re cutting off your nose to spite your face. You won’t compromise and that means you can think of yourself as a glorious failure, beaten down by the patriarchy, whereas actually . . .’ Leonie’s gaze doesn’t flinch, daring her to go on, and this time, she is damn well going to dare. ‘Whereas actually you just can’t get off your arse and get on with it, like the rest of us do.’

‘Yeah, the sisters thank you for those photos you took of Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor, and George Best.’

‘I haven’t got the luxury of a family flat and a trust fund. I have to work.’

‘That’s right, poor you. You were forced to sell out.’

‘It makes sense for some of us to be on the inside.’

‘Pissing out on the rest of us?’

Vee’s camera bag isn’t packed, she needs to change; she hasn’t got time for this. ‘I need to go and get ready, Leonie.’