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Chapters (65)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise for the previous work of
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. 24 April 2018
  6. Part 1: Subject
  7. 15 June 1968
  8. 20 June 1968
  9. July 1968
  10. 2 February 2018
  11. Part 2: Light
  12. 20 November 1970
  13. 20 November 1970
  14. 21 November 1970
  15. November 1970
  16. 19 February 2018
  17. Part 3: Focus
  18. 15 April 1977
  19. 18 April 1977
  20. 15 May 1977
  21. July 1977
  22. 26 February 2018
  23. 8 March 2018
  24. 8 March 2018
  25. Part 4: Distance
  26. 15 May 1979
  27. 15 May 1979
  28. 16 May 1979
  29. June 1979
  30. 29 March 2018
  31. 29 March 2018
  32. 27 March 2018
  33. Part 5: Movement
  34. 18 October 1981
  35. 10 April 2018
  36. 18 October 1981
  37. 10 April 2018
  38. 18 October 1981
  39. 10 April 2018
  40. 18 October 1981
  41. 10 April 2018
  42. 10 April 2018
  43. 18 October 1981
  44. 10 April 2018
  45. October 1981
  46. Part 6: Exposure
  47. July 1984
  48. 5 September 1984
  49. 24 April 2018
  50. 25 April 2018
  51. Part 7: Developing
  52. 26 April 2018
  53. Vee, in the lost place, 1984
  54. 26 April 2018
  55. Epilogue
  56. 5 February 2019
  57. Author’s Note
  58. Acknowledgements
  59. Letter from Author
  60. Stephanie Butland’s Readers’ Club
  61. For your Reading Group
  62. For discussion
  63. Select bibliography
  64. About the author
  65. Also by Stephanie Butland

God, this is painful. Suddenly, talking is easier than playing this tortured game of pauses and sighs. ‘Christ, Ken, it’s 1979. I’m not marrying you because I’m pregnant. Or for any other reason.’

He knows her well enough to laugh, ‘Well, good. So . . . ?’

‘I suppose I’ll get it adopted. Just thought I should check if you wanted it first.’

‘Wow.’ He sits forward, rakes his hands through his hair, which is longer than Leonie’s, falling to a ragged line at his jaw. ‘Wow. I feel like I should, but . . . I don’t feel like I can. The job, you know? And the flat’s not exactly . . . I mean, I would if I could, but it’s just not . . . it’s not feasible.’

Leonie shrugs. ‘Thought I’d ask.’

‘But hey.’ Ken pulls his wallet from his back pocket. ‘I can help you out. If you need money for – until it’s . . . done.’

‘I’m fine, thanks,’ Leonie says, and she hauls herself to her feet. Even the good guys can get out of these things with three minutes of looking pained and an offer of cash. Time to go and see Vee, and then she’s got a meeting about the shelters. Real work. She’s wasted enough time on Ken.

15 May 1979

15 May 1979

1 p.m.

‘I’m sorry I’m late.’ And Vee is. It’s not like her to keep people waiting; she makes a point of her promptness – earliness, even. But this morning has been different, to say the least. She just photographed her first world leader.

‘You’re too important to remember your appointments with the little people now, I suppose?’ There’s a half-drunk pint of cider on the table in front of Leonie, a whisky chaser.

‘It’s not that,’ Vee says, ‘it’s just you’re normally late. So I thought I’d be on time, if I was late.’

Leonie laughs, and gets to her feet. She embraces Vee with what feels like a hard, clinging need. ‘I had an appointment. It didn’t take as long as it might have. I’m on time by chance. You can stay cool and comfortable in your world view, baby.’

‘Thanks. I think. I’ll get us some drinks, and then I’ll tell you what I’ve been doing this morning. You’ll laugh.’