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Chapters (65)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise for the previous work of
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. 24 April 2018
  6. Part 1: Subject
  7. 15 June 1968
  8. 20 June 1968
  9. July 1968
  10. 2 February 2018
  11. Part 2: Light
  12. 20 November 1970
  13. 20 November 1970
  14. 21 November 1970
  15. November 1970
  16. 19 February 2018
  17. Part 3: Focus
  18. 15 April 1977
  19. 18 April 1977
  20. 15 May 1977
  21. July 1977
  22. 26 February 2018
  23. 8 March 2018
  24. 8 March 2018
  25. Part 4: Distance
  26. 15 May 1979
  27. 15 May 1979
  28. 16 May 1979
  29. June 1979
  30. 29 March 2018
  31. 29 March 2018
  32. 27 March 2018
  33. Part 5: Movement
  34. 18 October 1981
  35. 10 April 2018
  36. 18 October 1981
  37. 10 April 2018
  38. 18 October 1981
  39. 10 April 2018
  40. 18 October 1981
  41. 10 April 2018
  42. 10 April 2018
  43. 18 October 1981
  44. 10 April 2018
  45. October 1981
  46. Part 6: Exposure
  47. July 1984
  48. 5 September 1984
  49. 24 April 2018
  50. 25 April 2018
  51. Part 7: Developing
  52. 26 April 2018
  53. Vee, in the lost place, 1984
  54. 26 April 2018
  55. Epilogue
  56. 5 February 2019
  57. Author’s Note
  58. Acknowledgements
  59. Letter from Author
  60. Stephanie Butland’s Readers’ Club
  61. For your Reading Group
  62. For discussion
  63. Select bibliography
  64. About the author
  65. Also by Stephanie Butland

‘I’m meeting a seventy-year-old photographer to talk about her exhibition. It’s not a hen party,’ Erica says, more sharply than she probably should have. The timings are on the calendar on the wall, not that Marcus ever looks at it. She heads for Tom, to get the worst of the Weetabix off before it sets.

‘Are you nervous?’

He asks in a way that suggests he cares, rather than having a dig at her for being sharp with him. So she answers accordingly. (When did their marriage become a protracted diplomatic negotiation?) ‘Yes. No. I don’t know.’ She laughs at herself. ‘I don’t think nervous is the right word.’

He’s still looking at her, inviting her to say more.

‘I’ve worked so hard for this.’ Veronica Moon hasn’t been seen in public for decades – no exhibitions, no appearances, every invitation to lecture, to write or even to attend a party turned down. And yet she has agreed to this. Maybe she will talk about Leonie properly, at last. If she’s going to tell anyone the truth, it should be Erica, who would have said, when she began this project, that her interest was ninety per cent academic, ten per cent personal. This morning, those percentages are the other way round.

‘I know you have.’ He puts an arm round her, and kisses her forehead. She leans in, puts her head against his chest, listens to his heart, muffled by shirt and jacket and coat but hers to hear, if she concentrates. It’s as though they are twenty-five again, and nothing in the world could ever be as important as the love they found.

And for a moment – just a moment – it’s lovely.

Then Marcus steps away and picks up his briefcase. ‘Well, I can take over the babysitting from Mum if you’re not back.’

Either he has moved away before he felt her body stiffen, or he’s chosen to ignore it.

‘It’s not babysitting,’ she says, loudly enough to make both Marcus and Tom look towards her; identical pairs of blue-grey eyes.

‘What?’

‘It’s not babysitting. Tom is your child.’

Marcus puts a hand on the door handle, a clear sign that he doesn’t have time for this. ‘I know that. It’s just a figure of speech.’

It doesn’t feel like one, today. Erica was up twice during the night with Tom. Marcus says he will get up if she wakes him, but he always proves unwakeable. ‘A figure of speech that suggests I’m the only one with responsibility for our child.’