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Chapters (65)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise for the previous work of
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. 24 April 2018
  6. Part 1: Subject
  7. 15 June 1968
  8. 20 June 1968
  9. July 1968
  10. 2 February 2018
  11. Part 2: Light
  12. 20 November 1970
  13. 20 November 1970
  14. 21 November 1970
  15. November 1970
  16. 19 February 2018
  17. Part 3: Focus
  18. 15 April 1977
  19. 18 April 1977
  20. 15 May 1977
  21. July 1977
  22. 26 February 2018
  23. 8 March 2018
  24. 8 March 2018
  25. Part 4: Distance
  26. 15 May 1979
  27. 15 May 1979
  28. 16 May 1979
  29. June 1979
  30. 29 March 2018
  31. 29 March 2018
  32. 27 March 2018
  33. Part 5: Movement
  34. 18 October 1981
  35. 10 April 2018
  36. 18 October 1981
  37. 10 April 2018
  38. 18 October 1981
  39. 10 April 2018
  40. 18 October 1981
  41. 10 April 2018
  42. 10 April 2018
  43. 18 October 1981
  44. 10 April 2018
  45. October 1981
  46. Part 6: Exposure
  47. July 1984
  48. 5 September 1984
  49. 24 April 2018
  50. 25 April 2018
  51. Part 7: Developing
  52. 26 April 2018
  53. Vee, in the lost place, 1984
  54. 26 April 2018
  55. Epilogue
  56. 5 February 2019
  57. Author’s Note
  58. Acknowledgements
  59. Letter from Author
  60. Stephanie Butland’s Readers’ Club
  61. For your Reading Group
  62. For discussion
  63. Select bibliography
  64. About the author
  65. Also by Stephanie Butland

Vee cannot remember taking these, and when she looked at them they didn’t seem right. She saw love, but she felt something more complicated. It could be that the ill-feeling was hers, though, and the photograph was true. In another image, the two of them were looking at each other, their faces almost mirror-images. The bridge of Erica’s nose was slightly less pronounced than that of Leonie’s; Leonie’s chin was jowlish and lost to comparison. But the relationship was clear. You might, if you had been told it often enough, believe that you were looking at an aunt and her niece. But if you came to this photograph cold there would be no question that you were looking at a mother and daughter. And a mother and daughter who adored each other, at that.

But Vee has never really trusted the photographs she took on the day Leonie died. Nothing in her other memories of Leonie – nothing in her writing – suggested she could love a child, or would want to. And yet, here is something you could class as evidence that she did.

The second contact sheet is the photographs of Erica and Tom that Vee took at the Greenham Common Peace Garden. Developing them, along with the pictures from the rally, in the darkroom in her hollowed-out, blacked-out attic, she had known that it was likely to be the last time she went through this process of particular chemical magic.

Vee would have been proud of these portraits of Erica, if she was still a photographer. The light, the way the rain in the air diffused it, the paleness and softness of the trees and sky mean that Erica’s face is strong and clear against a fading world. In Vee’s favourite – she has circled it, like she did in the old days, she couldn’t help herself – Erica is looking straight into the camera, eyes dark, hair made lighter than it is in reality by the spring light, mouth ready to ask a question. It is perfectly Erica, and at the same time, perfectly Leonie, despite the changes Erica has chosen to make to her face. In another, she is looking at Tom. It matches the way Erica and Leonie are looking at each other, on the other contact sheet. Displayed side by side, a connection is asking to be made.

The pain is not worsening, but it’s changing, a series of tremors flecking at the edges of her consciousness. The noise from the adjacent gallery seems to be fading, as though Vee has become untethered, and is drifting away. Erica is still close, though, sliding the contact sheets over each other: there’s a smoothness to the sound of it, and then the pierce of air while Erica inhales. ‘Veronica?’

Vee keeps her eyes closed; waits. The world is shrinking. It’s too late to wonder whether she has done the right thing. The thing is done.