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Chapters (65)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise for the previous work of
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. 24 April 2018
  6. Part 1: Subject
  7. 15 June 1968
  8. 20 June 1968
  9. July 1968
  10. 2 February 2018
  11. Part 2: Light
  12. 20 November 1970
  13. 20 November 1970
  14. 21 November 1970
  15. November 1970
  16. 19 February 2018
  17. Part 3: Focus
  18. 15 April 1977
  19. 18 April 1977
  20. 15 May 1977
  21. July 1977
  22. 26 February 2018
  23. 8 March 2018
  24. 8 March 2018
  25. Part 4: Distance
  26. 15 May 1979
  27. 15 May 1979
  28. 16 May 1979
  29. June 1979
  30. 29 March 2018
  31. 29 March 2018
  32. 27 March 2018
  33. Part 5: Movement
  34. 18 October 1981
  35. 10 April 2018
  36. 18 October 1981
  37. 10 April 2018
  38. 18 October 1981
  39. 10 April 2018
  40. 18 October 1981
  41. 10 April 2018
  42. 10 April 2018
  43. 18 October 1981
  44. 10 April 2018
  45. October 1981
  46. Part 6: Exposure
  47. July 1984
  48. 5 September 1984
  49. 24 April 2018
  50. 25 April 2018
  51. Part 7: Developing
  52. 26 April 2018
  53. Vee, in the lost place, 1984
  54. 26 April 2018
  55. Epilogue
  56. 5 February 2019
  57. Author’s Note
  58. Acknowledgements
  59. Letter from Author
  60. Stephanie Butland’s Readers’ Club
  61. For your Reading Group
  62. For discussion
  63. Select bibliography
  64. About the author
  65. Also by Stephanie Butland

There was something that Vee needed to say to Erica, to give her; she can’t remember what. There’s a mushrooming of noise in the gallery, laughter, the gradual raising of voices over other voices so that soon everyone will be shouting over everyone without realising they are doing it. Each notch in volume is a notch of pain.

She needs to remember the thing for Erica. And then she can go home and be done with all of this.

‘They love the contact sheets,’ Erica continues, with the chattering brightness of a woman at a deathbed: anything but silence. ‘I suppose a lot of people don’t know what they are. And it’s a reminder of old times, for the rest.’

That’s what she’s been trying to remember. ‘In my bag,’ Vee says. She cannot open her eyes, now; she hurts, skull and spine, at the very thought of light.

There’s the sound of the zip of Vee’s bag pulling back. ‘What do you need? Do you have more painkillers in here?’

‘There’s an envelope for you,’ Vee says.

It’s A4, board-backed, and Vee checked more than once that she had put the right things in it, and that she had put it into her bag. She found an empty mug in the fridge this morning, and has left her key in the front door more than once over the last week. She hears Erica tear at the paper flap; a chair scrapes as she sits. ‘What are these?’

‘Look,’ Vee says. Erica has the power over the images now.

There is a rustling sound. Erica is taking out the two contact sheets. If Vee can’t speak of this – and she doesn’t dare, in case she is wrong – then the images can.

The first contact sheet is the film of Leonie and Erica on the day Leonie died. Vee hadn’t looked at these photographs for years. They had been a shock when she developed them, in her own darkroom, sometime during her recovery from surgery. Her world had lurched and pitched as she watched the images bloom through the liquid in the chemical bath. She saw love, affection, a bond. She saw a mother and daughter. Or, she thought she did. In the photographs, the roundness of Leonie’s body made it look as though she was curving herself in, around Erica, an animal with her young. In one image, Erica looked simply, joyously happy; about to laugh, not yet moving, so caught in uncoerced delight. The expression on Leonie’s face matches it.