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Chapters (65)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise for the previous work of
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. 24 April 2018
  6. Part 1: Subject
  7. 15 June 1968
  8. 20 June 1968
  9. July 1968
  10. 2 February 2018
  11. Part 2: Light
  12. 20 November 1970
  13. 20 November 1970
  14. 21 November 1970
  15. November 1970
  16. 19 February 2018
  17. Part 3: Focus
  18. 15 April 1977
  19. 18 April 1977
  20. 15 May 1977
  21. July 1977
  22. 26 February 2018
  23. 8 March 2018
  24. 8 March 2018
  25. Part 4: Distance
  26. 15 May 1979
  27. 15 May 1979
  28. 16 May 1979
  29. June 1979
  30. 29 March 2018
  31. 29 March 2018
  32. 27 March 2018
  33. Part 5: Movement
  34. 18 October 1981
  35. 10 April 2018
  36. 18 October 1981
  37. 10 April 2018
  38. 18 October 1981
  39. 10 April 2018
  40. 18 October 1981
  41. 10 April 2018
  42. 10 April 2018
  43. 18 October 1981
  44. 10 April 2018
  45. October 1981
  46. Part 6: Exposure
  47. July 1984
  48. 5 September 1984
  49. 24 April 2018
  50. 25 April 2018
  51. Part 7: Developing
  52. 26 April 2018
  53. Vee, in the lost place, 1984
  54. 26 April 2018
  55. Epilogue
  56. 5 February 2019
  57. Author’s Note
  58. Acknowledgements
  59. Letter from Author
  60. Stephanie Butland’s Readers’ Club
  61. For your Reading Group
  62. For discussion
  63. Select bibliography
  64. About the author
  65. Also by Stephanie Butland

And now they’re both laughing, and the years have slid away from them. They’re in the Fulham flat, the windows open to the blazing summer of ’76, and Leonie is taking the mickey out of some hapless man who tried to explain economics to her. They’re in Vee’s first car, driving back from a demo in Leeds, and Leonie is drinking but not drunk and they have the radio on, and they’re trying to count all the sexist references in songs and it should be depressing but it’s funny, so funny, because they are repeating them in deepened voices. They’re friends, again, and for all the places where it hurts and goes wrong and they have let each other down, they cannot, in this moment, argue with the fact that they chose each other, keep on choosing. When the picture editor called to book Vee for this shoot, she let slip that Leonie asked for Vee to do it. Vee moved two other jobs to be here. She’s never stood in this room before and yet she’s home.

‘What’s so funny?’ The voice makes them both jump. There’s a child standing in the doorway. She is looking from Leonie to Vee, ready to smile, ready to frown, depending on what the grown-ups do next. She has the stance of someone who does not want to be sent away.

Leonie’s laughter barely falters: she can’t seem to stop it. But Vee straightens up, as though it’s not a child but a teacher who has walked into the room and caught her misbehaving.

Maybe if she had met Erica’s father, she would see his contours in the face of this kid. But it’s all Leonie, writ small, in this child’s eyes, that nose, the jut of the chin.

Vee’s first thought is that Leonie kept her baby after all – it wouldn’t be the first time a plan for adoption had fallen through, and a mother had changed her mind. And it would be typical of Leonie to try to keep it quiet if that had happened, because it didn’t exactly go with her ‘maternal instinct as product of the patriarchy’ line.

But this is not a child mothered by Leonie Barratt. That child wouldn’t be wearing a pink ra-ra skirt, or have her hair held back with hair-slides, her feet in cherry-red patent-leather shoes. Leonie’s child would be one step up from feral, wild-haired, sharp-eyed, and more than a match for anyone who put her down.

Of course. This kid must be Ursula’s. Vee hopes that this child has cars as well as dolls to play with. She cannot begin to imagine how seeing this conditioning happening, in her family, under her nose, must gall Leonie. ‘Who’s this?’

‘This is Erica,’ Leonie says, then adds, ‘did you ever read Fear of Flying?’