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Chapters (65)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise for the previous work of
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. 24 April 2018
  6. Part 1: Subject
  7. 15 June 1968
  8. 20 June 1968
  9. July 1968
  10. 2 February 2018
  11. Part 2: Light
  12. 20 November 1970
  13. 20 November 1970
  14. 21 November 1970
  15. November 1970
  16. 19 February 2018
  17. Part 3: Focus
  18. 15 April 1977
  19. 18 April 1977
  20. 15 May 1977
  21. July 1977
  22. 26 February 2018
  23. 8 March 2018
  24. 8 March 2018
  25. Part 4: Distance
  26. 15 May 1979
  27. 15 May 1979
  28. 16 May 1979
  29. June 1979
  30. 29 March 2018
  31. 29 March 2018
  32. 27 March 2018
  33. Part 5: Movement
  34. 18 October 1981
  35. 10 April 2018
  36. 18 October 1981
  37. 10 April 2018
  38. 18 October 1981
  39. 10 April 2018
  40. 18 October 1981
  41. 10 April 2018
  42. 10 April 2018
  43. 18 October 1981
  44. 10 April 2018
  45. October 1981
  46. Part 6: Exposure
  47. July 1984
  48. 5 September 1984
  49. 24 April 2018
  50. 25 April 2018
  51. Part 7: Developing
  52. 26 April 2018
  53. Vee, in the lost place, 1984
  54. 26 April 2018
  55. Epilogue
  56. 5 February 2019
  57. Author’s Note
  58. Acknowledgements
  59. Letter from Author
  60. Stephanie Butland’s Readers’ Club
  61. For your Reading Group
  62. For discussion
  63. Select bibliography
  64. About the author
  65. Also by Stephanie Butland

‘Well, you don’t know what you don’t know,’ Vee says, her hand going to her head again, the same place as before, where the scar must be, ‘and it’s been a long time, so I’m used to it. But there are things that I just have absolutely no recollection of. My father’s death. I know he died, and when, because I’ve got the certificate. It was a few months before – before Leonie. And I miss him, the way I would if I remembered his dying. But there’s just . . . a space.’

‘That is—’ but there’s no word significant enough. Weird/awful/terrible are words that Erica probably uses most days, when talking about things that are nowhere near as bad as that.

‘Yes.’ Vee nods, slowly; it seems she’s treating her head with caution. ‘It is.’

‘You might not have been arrested,’ Erica says, ‘but you were definitely more of an activist than me.’ As soon as that ‘were’ is in the air she wants to snatch it, swallow it, turn it into ‘are’. ‘You are—’

‘I talked a good game,’ Vee says, showing no sign of caring about Erica mixing her tenses up and really, why should she? ‘. . . once Leonie had taught me the words. And I marched and shouted. Really, though, taking photographs was my activism, and then it became my career. Your aunt called me a pimp, once. Or it could have been a whore. Or both.’ She laughs, ‘I was furious at the time but she was right.’

‘Those are awful things to say, though.’

‘Leonie said a lot of awful things.’

‘That’s what my mother always said. She said Aunt Leonie never thought before she opened her mouth, and the things that came out were never kind.’

‘I don’t remember it being like that,’ Vee says. ‘They didn’t have a lot in common. And your mother didn’t buy into a lot of Leonie’s views.’

Erica laughs, ‘I can’t imagine Leonie let that go.’

‘No. and I think Ursula was pretty determined, too. Leonie walked all over me – she was always late, she cancelled things – but she did as Ursula told her.’ Vee puts her cup down, and half-misses; it sits awry in the saucer. The expression on her face changes, from sure to hesitant.

‘Vee? Are you OK?’

Vee looks straight at her – she has such wise eyes – ‘I’d forgotten. Ursula once came to give Leonie a lift somewhere. They might have been going to their mother’s. Leonie tried to get out of it. Ursula looked at her and said, “I spent yesterday afternoon getting twenty-one seven-year-olds to their swimming lesson and back. Do you really think you’re going to get out of this?” I thought Leonie was going to flip, but the two of them just started laughing. And Leonie did what she was told.’

Erica laughs, ‘That sound plausible. From my mother, I mean.’