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Chapters (65)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise for the previous work of
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. 24 April 2018
  6. Part 1: Subject
  7. 15 June 1968
  8. 20 June 1968
  9. July 1968
  10. 2 February 2018
  11. Part 2: Light
  12. 20 November 1970
  13. 20 November 1970
  14. 21 November 1970
  15. November 1970
  16. 19 February 2018
  17. Part 3: Focus
  18. 15 April 1977
  19. 18 April 1977
  20. 15 May 1977
  21. July 1977
  22. 26 February 2018
  23. 8 March 2018
  24. 8 March 2018
  25. Part 4: Distance
  26. 15 May 1979
  27. 15 May 1979
  28. 16 May 1979
  29. June 1979
  30. 29 March 2018
  31. 29 March 2018
  32. 27 March 2018
  33. Part 5: Movement
  34. 18 October 1981
  35. 10 April 2018
  36. 18 October 1981
  37. 10 April 2018
  38. 18 October 1981
  39. 10 April 2018
  40. 18 October 1981
  41. 10 April 2018
  42. 10 April 2018
  43. 18 October 1981
  44. 10 April 2018
  45. October 1981
  46. Part 6: Exposure
  47. July 1984
  48. 5 September 1984
  49. 24 April 2018
  50. 25 April 2018
  51. Part 7: Developing
  52. 26 April 2018
  53. Vee, in the lost place, 1984
  54. 26 April 2018
  55. Epilogue
  56. 5 February 2019
  57. Author’s Note
  58. Acknowledgements
  59. Letter from Author
  60. Stephanie Butland’s Readers’ Club
  61. For your Reading Group
  62. For discussion
  63. Select bibliography
  64. About the author
  65. Also by Stephanie Butland

No, she does mean it. This conversation really is happening. Vee takes a breath, a drink, a bite of sausage roll, just for the sake of making some space in her head and her heart. Does she want a baby? Need one? Her dad sometimes talks about how she’ll be ‘all on her own when I’ve gone’. She doesn’t think she minds. But she closes her eyes and thinks about the space in her body where, theoretically, her child could grow. It feels the same as it always does: a blank, rather than a yearning. Vee opted out of relationships somewhere around 1975, when the man she was seeing said that she loved her camera more than she loved him. She’d protested, but he was right. Darkrooms were better than dinner. Publication was better than sex. Being able to buy her own house with money she had earned was the proudest moment of her life. And, then, she had Leonie to love.

Vee has a vision of herself on a shoot, baby strapped to her front in one of those sling things, or maybe in a pram next to her, wailing and waving its arms as she tries to get a CEO to drop their professional guard, or a woman famous for her looks to stop posing and just be. It wouldn’t work. And anyway, if she did want a baby, she’d decide. Not hope that someone would give her a child the way her dad loads her car with the extra potatoes from the allotment. She says, gently, ‘I’m like you, Leonie. I don’t want – I’ve never really wanted a child. I just assumed that I would because that’s what the world told me.’ Thinks: you’re the one who showed me how to think differently about all that. She almost says so, but she doesn’t trust her voice to keep steady if she tries. And what they really need to talk about is Leonie. ‘You’re really serious? About giving it away?’

‘Oh, I’m serious, sister. What would I do with this?’ She puts a hand on her belly, briefly, and then takes it away, as though the child within has shaken her off.

‘And you’d give it to me?’

‘If you wanted it. So long as you promised not to give it to fucking Thatcher.’ Vee laughs, despite herself. But another feeling follows. In three months from now she could be responsible for another human being. If she wanted to be.

The old, gentle smile appears on Leonie’s face. She’s the woman Vee met at Dagenham, less scary than she is now, less unpredictable. ‘What is it, Vee?’