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Chapters (65)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise for the previous work of
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. 24 April 2018
  6. Part 1: Subject
  7. 15 June 1968
  8. 20 June 1968
  9. July 1968
  10. 2 February 2018
  11. Part 2: Light
  12. 20 November 1970
  13. 20 November 1970
  14. 21 November 1970
  15. November 1970
  16. 19 February 2018
  17. Part 3: Focus
  18. 15 April 1977
  19. 18 April 1977
  20. 15 May 1977
  21. July 1977
  22. 26 February 2018
  23. 8 March 2018
  24. 8 March 2018
  25. Part 4: Distance
  26. 15 May 1979
  27. 15 May 1979
  28. 16 May 1979
  29. June 1979
  30. 29 March 2018
  31. 29 March 2018
  32. 27 March 2018
  33. Part 5: Movement
  34. 18 October 1981
  35. 10 April 2018
  36. 18 October 1981
  37. 10 April 2018
  38. 18 October 1981
  39. 10 April 2018
  40. 18 October 1981
  41. 10 April 2018
  42. 10 April 2018
  43. 18 October 1981
  44. 10 April 2018
  45. October 1981
  46. Part 6: Exposure
  47. July 1984
  48. 5 September 1984
  49. 24 April 2018
  50. 25 April 2018
  51. Part 7: Developing
  52. 26 April 2018
  53. Vee, in the lost place, 1984
  54. 26 April 2018
  55. Epilogue
  56. 5 February 2019
  57. Author’s Note
  58. Acknowledgements
  59. Letter from Author
  60. Stephanie Butland’s Readers’ Club
  61. For your Reading Group
  62. For discussion
  63. Select bibliography
  64. About the author
  65. Also by Stephanie Butland

‘Oh, thank goodness,’ Marcus says, getting to his feet, fast, when Erica walks through the door. In his arms, Tom shifts but doesn’t wake. Erica has always envied her husband’s ability to keep Tom sleeping. Her slightest move always seems to rouse him to restlessness. ‘Where have you been? Why didn’t you call? I was worried about you. I left you messages.’

‘My phone battery died.’ Erica hangs up her coat, then takes off her shoes and leaves them on the floor next to the shoe rack. She’s too tired to bend down to put them in place. Marcus will no doubt mention it when he notices, because she always points out when he doesn’t put his shoes away.

Every part of her is worn out: feet, voice, back, eyes, ears, throat. And at the same time there’s an adrenaline fizz at the solar plexus that tells her she’s a long way from sleep. She’s hungry; thirsty; thrilled; horny. ‘Wait till I tell you what I’ve been doing.’

There’s no wine in the fridge. No clean glasses, either. They had friends over last night, and of course, because Marcus has been Doing Childcare, he won’t have unloaded the dishwasher. She pours white wine from the rack into a melamine tumbler with a lion on the side of it, plonks in the last ice cube from the tray in the freezer, and goes to kiss Tom’s fluffy, warm clean-smelling head. Marcus turns his face away when she tries to kiss him, too.

‘I was worried about you.’

‘You should be glad I’m home, then.’ She sits down next to him, puts her head against his shoulder, ignoring the way his body stiffens at her touch.

‘Of course I am. I thought you would be back hours ago. You said five at the latest.’

‘Well, events overtook.’ Logic, good sense, everything she knows about Marcus tells her to say nothing more, to go and take a bath and curl her body into his when he comes to bed, put a hand on his chest and let him know that despite everything she is not too tired for him. But there is nothing circumspect in the remains of the adrenaline. ‘Don’t you want to know what happened?’

He sighs, and smiles, and frees an arm to put around her shoulders. ‘Stage dive? Tattoo? Joined the Foreign Legion?’

‘I got arrested!’ she blurts. Then, ‘Well, detained. By the police.’

‘You did what?’ Tom shifts and murmurs against the sudden tension in his father’s body.

‘A policeman tried to search my bag and I told him to fuck off. He’d been bothering Veronica about taking photographs. I didn’t think that was right. Next thing I knew I was in a police van.’

‘You’re not serious?’ Marcus turns to face her; Tom barely moves.