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Chapters (65)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise for the previous work of
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. 24 April 2018
  6. Part 1: Subject
  7. 15 June 1968
  8. 20 June 1968
  9. July 1968
  10. 2 February 2018
  11. Part 2: Light
  12. 20 November 1970
  13. 20 November 1970
  14. 21 November 1970
  15. November 1970
  16. 19 February 2018
  17. Part 3: Focus
  18. 15 April 1977
  19. 18 April 1977
  20. 15 May 1977
  21. July 1977
  22. 26 February 2018
  23. 8 March 2018
  24. 8 March 2018
  25. Part 4: Distance
  26. 15 May 1979
  27. 15 May 1979
  28. 16 May 1979
  29. June 1979
  30. 29 March 2018
  31. 29 March 2018
  32. 27 March 2018
  33. Part 5: Movement
  34. 18 October 1981
  35. 10 April 2018
  36. 18 October 1981
  37. 10 April 2018
  38. 18 October 1981
  39. 10 April 2018
  40. 18 October 1981
  41. 10 April 2018
  42. 10 April 2018
  43. 18 October 1981
  44. 10 April 2018
  45. October 1981
  46. Part 6: Exposure
  47. July 1984
  48. 5 September 1984
  49. 24 April 2018
  50. 25 April 2018
  51. Part 7: Developing
  52. 26 April 2018
  53. Vee, in the lost place, 1984
  54. 26 April 2018
  55. Epilogue
  56. 5 February 2019
  57. Author’s Note
  58. Acknowledgements
  59. Letter from Author
  60. Stephanie Butland’s Readers’ Club
  61. For your Reading Group
  62. For discussion
  63. Select bibliography
  64. About the author
  65. Also by Stephanie Butland

Here, though, there’s too much energy, anger, connection for everyone to simply go home. It might be that today really is just one march too many, for people like Vee who have been doing it since the 1970s and for those who first took to the streets when Trump came to power, thinking it was a question of months, not years, until the world changed for the better. It might be that there needs to be a moment like the one Vee can feel coming: the women running amok, for once, tearing down shop signs instead of Instagramming their fury. Vee stretches her shoulders, deliberately feeling the blades pull apart. She might be getting ready to run. Or to throw something. The thought of it makes her smile. How long is it since she has felt that Leonie would be proud of her?

Erica is making her way towards her; except this is a spotlit Erica, lighter, brighter. She starts talking when she’s three metres away, even though Vee has no hope of hearing her. ‘. . . Amazing! I had no idea that it would be like this!’ she is saying as she comes to stand next to Vee.

‘Good.’ Vee sees herself at the Miss World protest, when she first fully understood that she was not alone in feeling that, for all of her ambition and her work, the world was holding her back, pushing her down.

‘I’m done with sitting back,’ Erica says, ‘I’m going to do more. I need to see this stuff. I haven’t always seen it.’ She looks at her shoes, then up at Vee, shading her eyes from a sudden spear of low sun. ‘I haven’t always looked. I’m going to see it and I’m going to challenge it.’ The light in Erica’s eyes, the way she is tense and excited, suggest that she would be the first to throw a brick, given half the chance.

‘Good,’ Vee says again, stepping down from the wall, ‘I’m glad.’ And then she does something she would never normally do. She reaches out an arm to Erica, high and wide, and Erica, without hesitation, steps in, embraces her and says, ‘Thank you.’ Her hair feels exactly the same as Leonie’s against Vee’s face. Vee cannot remember the last time she was held, or wanted to be. Maybe it’s the tumour. She is supposed to be aware that there may be ‘behavioural changes’ as her disease progresses. But is the desire to be close to someone as she gets closer to death really an oddity? Is the fact that there are things she cannot remember about Leonie, about Erica, so unusual for a woman of her years?

‘How’s your head? Do you need to go?’ Erica asks.