Ellie touches my arm gently. ‘Laura? Are you OK? Do you have any questions?’

I shake my head.

‘Do you know why I was on the road that night?’ I ask hoarsely. ‘Why I left?’

She squeezes my arm. ‘Not yet. But hopefully you’ll remember in time.’

‘But Dad killed himself because of me?’

She shakes her head. ‘You mustn’t think that. He was clearly a very troubled man. You’ve done nothing wrong.’

I wipe the tears from my cheeks. ‘I think I’d like to just go to my room now, please.’

Ellie nods. ‘Of course. It’s a lot to process. If you have any questions, give me a shout. And I’ve booked you in to see a counsellor next week – I think it would be useful for you to have someone outside of the family to talk to. I hope that’s OK.’

‘Fine,’ I say. Whatever. I don’t care.

I just want my dad.

32

Jesse

August 2002

Catford

It is hot and sunny and I am playing on the path in the front garden. I’ve got all my cars out and I have made a road for them with some stones. It took ages and my fingers are all dirty but I don’t care because now it looks really good, like a proper road and I am driving my cars up and down. ‘Brum, brum, brum.’

‘Can I play?’

I don’t like my sister playing with my cars because she is not very careful and sometimes she drops them on the ground and once she broke a wheel and then it wouldn’t go round anymore and it was my best car.

‘No. I want to play on my own today. Brum, brum, brum.’ I don’t look at her. She will probably go away if I ignore her long enough.

‘But I want to.’ She stamps her foot. She is wearing her sparkly shoes.

‘But I don’t want you to. Brum, brum, brum.’

I don’t look up but I can tell she hasn’t gone back to the dolls she was playing with on the grass and is waiting for me to say she can play because her shadow is still on me. She is annoying. I wish she’d go away.

‘Let me!’ she wails. ‘I want to!’

I shake my head. ‘Brum, brum, brum.’

Suddenly, her sparkly shoes are kicking the stones away, the ones I spent all morning arranging. She is spoiling my road!

‘You’re mean!’ she shouts.

‘I’m telling Mummy what you did!’ I shout back. I pick up as many cars as I can because I don’t want her to touch them, and run into the house. Mummy is in the kitchen.

‘She spoiled my road!’ I yell, trying not to drop my cars. ‘I made it all nice and she spoiled it because I wouldn’t let her play! You need to tell her!’