I root around in the narrow bed, looking for my underwear. I pull on my knickers and then tracksuit bottoms and a T-shirt, and shove my bra in my pocket.

‘I’ll try,’ I say. ‘Though I have my reputation to think about. If you tell anyone, I’ll have to kill you,’ I add, with a smile and a wink, before leaving.

50

Antonio

New Year’s Eve 2021, 21:00

The Caribbean

Lola messaged asking me to meet her as soon as possible in our cabin – she has something she needs to tell me which can’t wait. I’ve no idea what can be so urgent, but she does like to be something of a drama queen sometimes. I’ve been busy with my dance lessons all day, waltzing lecherous old ladies around the ballroom, I’m tired and can do without a scene. But even so, I’m still anxious to get back in case she’s launched herself into some new crisis that I will need to deal with before it gets out of hand.

She’s not there when I arrive and at first I wonder if this is some stupid joke that she or even someone else is playing. She knows that if she snaps her fingers I will come running, and sometimes she does it just for fun. I don’t think it’s the least bit funny, but she finds it hilarious every time. I know I should ignore it, but I can’t. It’s too risky. Sometimes, she does actually need me, and I can’t let her down.

Having the childhood that she had, so closeted, going nowhere and seeing no one, once she was back in ‘normal’ life she wanted to catch up on all the things she felt she’d missed out on. I can understand that, but she took it to extremes. Parties, drugs, but also boys, and men. Many, many men. She’d have sex with pretty much anyone who showed an interest in her. Still does, if she gets the chance. I’m not sure if it comes from having no real points of reference, no friends, no sense of boundaries, or if she was just totally messed up in the head by what had happened to her.

But it hasn’t all been fun and games for Lola over the years, by any means. Alongside all the wild times there’s been a lot of anger and doubt. Drugs and alcohol. Addiction and rehab. Sexual diseases. More than one suicide attempt. Lola would tell me off for playing amateur psychologist thinking like this, but I think what it comes down to is she doesn’t like herself much. And though sometimes she is more mentally stable than others, she still has serious self-esteem problems.