When I was in Stuart’s surgery, I felt that doing this was worth it to make it up to Lola. Make amends for not protecting her when she was a child. Helping her to have the life she’s always wanted, the life she deserves. But right this minute, I’m not so sure. She will be expecting me to go and see her, to confirm that I’ve done what she asked.

But I don’t want to see her right now so I go back to my suite instead. I think it’s the first time I’ve ever felt so negatively about her. I strip off my clothes, run a bath as hot as I can stand and stay in it until the water has almost turned cold, drinking neat vodka from a bottle and trying to blot what I’ve done from my mind.

Right now, I’m not sure I’m doing the right thing.

68

Alice

7 February 2022, 12:00

The Caribbean

I can’t find Stuart, and I’m worried.

He and I have fallen into a routine of staying together most nights now. With Lola and Rick both gone, who were really my only friends on board, it gets pretty lonely. So when I don’t see or hear from Stuart for two nights in a row, at first I wonder if I’ve done something to upset him and he’s ignoring me, but that doesn’t seem like something he’d do. I try texting, and go to his surgery, which is all closed up, but I can’t find him anywhere. I ask around. No one seems to have seen him lately.

Even though we’re pretty casual, I have started to feel quite fond of him and not knowing where he is makes me uneasy, especially with everything else that has been going on. I’ve already lost Lola and Rick. The thought of losing yet another of my friends is untenable. The ship is big, admittedly, but there aren’t many of us here and normally you’d see people around even if you weren’t specifically looking for them.

‘No, luvvie,’ Mara says. ‘I haven’t seen him. But I heard a few people saying that he was talking about going swimming.’

The pools aren’t in use at the moment so swimming can only mean one thing – in the ocean – and it’s strictly forbidden. It doesn’t sound like something Stuart would do. Would he?

‘Swimming?’ I repeat. ‘Are you sure?’

Unless he meant it as some terrible, dark euphemism. But he seemed fine last time I saw him. Still a little cagey about his past, yes, but no more so than usual. Certainly not on the verge of killing himself.

But then again, I didn’t think Lola was either, so who am I to judge?

Mara shrugs. ‘I’m not sure. I’m just repeating what I heard.’