I look down at Stuart, twisted up in the bottom of the trolley. Yes, giving myself up now would be the better option, I decide. I can argue diminished responsibility, grieving for Lola. She can still live her life, albeit without the life insurance, which I don’t imagine I’d manage to share with her while I’m in prison. Can prisoners even inherit money? I have no idea. I doubt it.

I wouldn’t get off scot-free, I know that. But a sentence for manslaughter would be much less than for murder, surely? I could be out in a few years. It wouldn’t be so bad.

But then I realize I can’t do that. I can’t spend years without her with no idea what Lola’s doing. She wouldn’t manage without me – she needs me there to prop her up when she falls down, to help her through her latest crisis. There have been many before, there are no doubt still many to come. Who would help her get through next time she’s in despair?

I shake myself mentally. Giving myself up is a stupid idea, even if I could do it without dropping Lola in the shit too. Quite apart from anything else, in the short term Lola needs someone to bring her food while she hides out on the ship. Without me she would starve, or have to reveal that she’s faked her own death, with all the repercussions that would have. Either scenario is unthinkable.

I make sure Stuart’s hands and feet are inside the trolley, cover him with sheets and a pile of towels, and wheel him out into the corridor.

66

Alice

5 February 2022, 13:40

The Caribbean

I’m on my way to find Antonio to talk to him about the food when I bump into him near the medical centre.

‘Antonio, I was looking for you. Can I have a word?’

He gives me a startled look as if I’ve already accused him of something. I wonder, not for the first time, if he suspects that Lola told me he hit her.

‘Um, can it wait? I’m a bit busy right now. Can I come and see you when I’ve finished my rounds?’

He indicates the cleaning trolley he’s pushing.

Why is he being so shifty and weird? ‘Won’t take long,’ I say, because how urgent can cleaning an almost-empty ship be? I’d rather get this out the way. ‘Look, I don’t know how to say this so I’ll just come out with it: I know you’ve been stealing food and I’d like you to stop.’

He looks at me. He’s very pale and his eyes are red. I wonder if he’s been crying. ‘Stealing food?’ he repeats.