I almost snatched it away I was so shocked by what I felt. But then he put his hand on top of mine and showed me what he wanted me to do, and I tried to relax into it.

30

August 2013

Catford

I am dreaming about an ice cream van and when I open my eyes I realize that the doorbell is ringing.

I get up, put my dressing gown on and brush my teeth. As I come down the stairs I hear Karen saying: ‘We have no comment to make. Please leave us alone.’

She slams the door and runs her hands through her thinning hair. As she turns and catches sight of me, she looks shocked. ‘Laura! I didn’t realize you were up. Come away from the windows into the kitchen, I need to talk to you about something.’

Oh God. My stomach feels like lead. This is it. This is going to be ‘the talk’ – the one I’ve been expecting. Where she gently lets me know that she doesn’t think I’m fitting into the family and she thinks I’d probably feel more at home elsewhere. I’ve been away too long. It’s too disruptive. Too upsetting for everyone. I don’t exactly feel at home here – far from it – but being turfed out and all on my own would be much worse. I can see that now.

Karen pulls out a chair for me at the kitchen table and, legs wobbling slightly, I sit down. She sits down opposite me.

‘Do you want me to leave?’ I say, as clearly and as confidently as I can, wanting to get this over and done with as quickly as possible.

She looks up at me and laughs. ‘Leave? Of course not, what on earth gave you that idea?’

Relief floods through me. ‘Nothing,’ I lie.

She looks straight at me. ‘That was a journalist at the door. God knows how he knows you’re here but …’

I feel like she is expecting me to be upset or worried, but I’m not.

‘Can’t I just talk to them and say I can’t remember anything? If I can’t remember, it isn’t that interesting, is it? I went, I’m back, my dad – the man who took me – died but nothing bad happened to me and I’m fine.’

She pauses. ‘I’m afraid it’s not that simple. Social services and the police talked to us about this before you came. We knew there’d be press interest, and that eventually you might have to go public, as it were, but we all agreed it would be better that you had some settling in time first. That’s why it hasn’t been released to the press yet.’

‘What hasn’t?’

‘The fact that you’ve been found. Because there was no – ah – need for a trial it was fairly easy to keep things quiet. Or so we thought.’